


All I Want Is You

by towardstheair



Series: Future's Series [3]
Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-06
Updated: 2013-09-06
Packaged: 2017-12-25 20:22:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/957241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/towardstheair/pseuds/towardstheair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You say you want your love to work out right - to last with me through the night - all I want is you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I Want Is You

It's been three weeks since Kris saw Adam. It's been three weeks of avoiding conversations with Josh about how well they know each other. It's been three weeks of Kris avoiding Michelle's calls and making excuses about why he can't come and see her perform.

 

He tries not to think about Adam at all. He even made a promise to himself the night after seeing Adam to not dwell on what had happened. To finally close the book on that part of his life. Unfortunately, it’s easier said than done. His days are filled with work, rehearsing and Josh-- and that is the problem that he has. He thinks that work is the worst because all he has is time, time and the backdrop of a soundtrack that he thinks Craig cleverly picks out each morning to torture him.

 

It's not that Craig is aware of every single intricate detail of Kris's emotional breakdown, but he knows something is wrong. And Craig isn't the type of person to just back down when someone says they are okay even though they know they really aren't. He just has a different way of approaching it than other people. He seems to be able to wear people down until they are knocking on his door at 3'o clock in the morning and breaking down. It's not the first time he or his other friends have been pulled in by Craig and his ways.

 

So every morning Kris has been going into work and Craig has cleverly set up all the CDs in the player that will be played in the store. Yesterday it had been a mix of The Smiths, Radiohead, Editors and The Cure. It's always a problem when The Cure gets played, it always leads to Craig and Jack arguing about what their best album is and leaves Kris feeling like he has lost the will to live. Kris felt that on many levels yesterday.

 

He is aware that he needs to get up out of bed. He can hear Josh moving around in the kitchen, the smell of toast and fresh coffee in the air. He has the luxury of rolling out of bed and pulling on jeans and a t-shirt and being acceptable for the day at work. Kris knows Josh has to spend a lot more time getting ready, and his precise routine would be screwed up if Kris was up at the same time as him. When they first got together, Kris would happily lie in bed, watching Josh move across the room getting ready while Kris attempted to lure him back to bed. Josh was late to work a lot of times during the first few months of their relationship.

 

He told Josh the truth about who Adam was when they got home that night. Kris is an honest person and Josh was vaguely aware of Kris being with someone before the two of them met. He didn't go into excruciating detail, in fact he tried to reveal as little as he could. He could tell that Josh had questions, that he still does now. Josh has been asking him a lot, especially over the last week. Especially about why he hasn't been to see Michelle perform again. It's like they both know it’s about Adam but neither of them wants to say it.

 

Kris doesn't want to admit that he is being a shitty friend because he is afraid of what will happen if he goes back to the bar and sees Adam. Even worse he kept on ignoring Michelle's calls because he knows she'll want to talk. She'll want to ask Kris what the hell is going on. He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't want to admit to feeling that weakness for Adam, to feeling like a fake in his relationship with Josh, to feeling like he is settling for every aspect in his life.

 

He rolls out of bed and throws on the jeans he had been wearing the day before. Josh has already turned the radio on, like he does for Kris every day even if they don't see each other. That has certainly been the case over the last few weeks. It's not like Kris is lying in bed every morning waiting until he hears the click of the door to get up. Except that he thinks he might just be.

 

Josh is dressed perfectly, not a hair out of place. He doesn't know Kris is there, he is lost in concentration fixing his thermos of coffee and Kris remembers when it was like this every morning. Except they seemed to smile a lot more then. The kitchen used to be brighter and happier, and now it’s awkward and dark. Kris can't say that he isn't entirely to blame.

 

Josh is surprised to find Kris sitting there, and the small, very fake smile on Josh's face is something that is going to stay with Kris all day. Maybe longer. “You're up?”

 

“Yeah, I heard you so I thought I'd come say goodbye.” Kris rubs his eyes and moves past the counter. Josh's arms open easily, letting Kris step into place, pressed against his body. Kris can't ignore the look on Josh's face, there is a mixture of confusion and pain and Kris is the one who put it there and he wishes he could kiss it all away.

 

“Josh...”

 

“Kris... I have to go. But...” Josh still hasn't moved away, his arms are still firmly wrapped around Kris's waist and his hands are pressed against Kris's back, warm and secure. Physically he is right here with Kris, but it's like he has already walked out the door. His eyes flicker across their small kitchen doing everything but meet Kris's eyes. “We need to talk later. I have to go out with some people at work for dinner, but when I get back?”

 

Kris nods. It's not a conversation he can avoid anymore. Josh isn't an idiot and he knows Kris, maybe better than anyone else at this moment in time. So it kind of kills Kris that it seems like things are going to be ending. It's there, hanging over the moment and they both know it. Neither of them moves away, reluctant to let go just yet. Kris doesn't really know why he does it, why he is suddenly making an effort in a relationship he bailed out of a while ago, but he presses his lips to Josh's, slow and tender. It's easy and natural for them, so there is no reason for Josh not to respond eagerly.

 

Josh finally ends the kiss, touches Kris's face before leaving the kitchen and then shuts the door to their apartment. Kris has a whole day of work ahead of him but he has no will to spend the day locked up in the small shop listening to Craig and Jack bicker like children. He thinks about calling Craig and telling him he can't make it in, but that will lead to so many questions that Kris won't have the answer to and just thinking about that makes him feel awkward.

 

He swallows down the feeling of feeling completely lost, ignoring the voice in his head telling him that his relationship with Josh is dying but when he thinks about it briefly for one second -- the question “what the hell am I doing with my life?” -- is pushed aside, and he avoids it and heads for the shower.

 

–

 

Work isn't completely bad, he manages to hide out in the office for most of the morning and he only hears Craig and Jack argue once, and he is sure that ends up with Jack crying. It's only a matter of time before Craig comes back here looking for him though so he knows he has to at least show his face so he can get away with hiding this afternoon.

 

When Kris comes out, Craig is flicking through the records at the front of the store, making stupid faces as he sings along to Van Halen. Kris seriously questions his music tastes. There are no customers in the store, which isn't unusual – the place is hidden, away from the main street and the only people that hang around there are the homeless and the people who live in the apartments across the street. They have their regulars, mostly because they can order stuff from suppliers that the bigger stores can't – it’s really the only thing that keeps the shop running. Kris is waiting for the day when they come into work and there will be a sign on the door from Jas the owner, telling them that she has sold the shop and left the country. She is just the kind of person who would do something crazy and impulsive like that. Kris finds her amazing and yet completely terrifying.

 

He figures Jack is still off sulking somewhere after his run in with Craig, so he flicks through one of the magazines on the counter until Craig is finished with his number and then no doubt, he'll have questions fired at him. The bell above the door rings and there is a young teenage girl who has no idea what she has let herself in for.

 

Kris can't quite hear what the girl is asking for over Van Halen blasting through the store but Craig tilts his head as if he is thinking about her request. He gestures around the store and then does a motion for her to run along. He is such an asshole.

 

Kris wanders to the back of the store and turns down the music. When he walks back to the counter, Craig is there. “Fucking Miley Cyrus.”

 

“You know, you could try being nice to the customers?”

 

“Hey, I'm fine being nice to customers. But I refuse to be nice to Miley Cyrus fans.”

 

“My mama likes Miley Cyrus.”

 

“You tell your mama me and her can no longer be friends.”

 

Kris laughs. “I'm sure she'll be devastated.”

 

“So, what's up with you?” Craig jumps up onto the counter and stares down at Kris, waiting. Kris starts flicking through the magazine again, just a way to avoid looking at Craig. “Come on you little fucker, don't ignore me. I've let you get away with it for the past two weeks but I'm worried about you.” Craig nudges him and pulls the magazine away, throwing it across the store.

 

Kris sighs heavily and looks up. “I've just been... trying to figure some stuff out.”

 

“What kind of stuff?”

 

“You were right about me and Josh.”

 

“Of course I was. I'm always right.”

 

“I do love him but it’s not... fair to him. I feel like there are these two sides to me. One who is perfectly fine with settling for the life I have now and this other guy who just wants so much more. I could be happy staying with him, I know that I could. But... it’s not enough. There are things that I want... things that I know Josh doesn't understand and it's partly my fault because I don't give enough of myself away but... ”

 

“Did something happen?”

 

Kris thinks he should be able to pinpoint the moment, but he really can't because it has been years. He hasn't ever really felt complete, he has always been searching, always convincing himself that he has found what was missing but time tells the truth, the completeness fades and the truth settles in.

 

“I mean you've never really seemed... content. But then again who of us is right?”

 

“That night of Michelle's first show I ran into an old... friend.”

 

“That Adam guy?”

 

Kris nods. “It's not him though... I mean seeing him again it was... I can't talk about this.”

 

“You brought him up and then you say it's not him?” Craig raises an eyebrow sceptically. “You give nothing away, Kris. I think maybe that might be your biggest problem.”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

Craig jumps off the counter to stand by his side. “This guy... Adam. I'm guessing your relationship with him was a lot different to the one you have with Josh?”

 

“You could say that.”

 

“You loved him?”

 

Kris nods. “I did.”

 

“Was he your first love?”

 

Kris exhales sharply. “Why are you throwing all these questions at me?”

 

“Sometimes I think it's the only way you'll answer. And I do have a point. I bet before you moved in you were in love with the idea of meeting some amazing guy and being together forever? I mean who doesn't want that? People can say whatever the hell they want but when it comes down to it we all want someone to love and someone who loves us back. You fell in love with Adam and he broke your heart, I don't need the details because we've all been there and before you open your mouth and say it is different, let me tell you it’s not. Sure the circumstances and situations are but the pain is all the same. Heartbreak is heartbreak and it sucks and it's awful and for some of us it hits harder than others.” Craig gestures at Kris. “You are the victim of a broken heart and rather than dealing with it back then, you've spent all your time and energy holding on to it. No wonder why you can't make your relationship with Josh work, no wonder you can't play music anymore...”

 

“That's not even...”

 

“Kris. Hear me out, I'm giving you an outsider’s perspective here. I've listened to your music, your lyrics and it’s all... okay. You seem like you are afraid of something but you know the kind of music that really touches people? It all comes from somewhere inside the people who wrote them that is private and hard. It's real. You've spent your whole fucking life playing it safe. You left your small town life and move here to make music and get discovered, but you haven't even tried.”

 

“How is that relevant to this conversation?”

 

“How is it not relevant? I've seen you perform. It’s what you are meant to be doing and you're wasting it by spending every day in this place and hiding in a relationship that's safe because you're too afraid to take any real chances.”

 

“This is why I don't talk to you.”

 

“Why? Because I don't sugar coat everything?”

 

Kris laughs and it seems wrong seeing as one of his best friends just told him he is wasting his life away. But it is funny. Craig is so right and he wonders how long he has been thinking this, how long he has been waiting to bring it to Kris's attention.

 

“No... you always tell me the truth. Even when I don't want to hear it because it’s exactly the thing I have to hear.”

 

“What can I say? I've got all the answers.”

 

Kris shakes his head because it’s amazing just how much in love with himself Craig can be . “You know my life back at my folks wasn't that bad. I love my family and sometimes I really miss it. I miss how comfortable it felt, but I feel like I'm just doing the same thing here. You're right about one thing, I forgot about all those dreams I had as a kid. I remember lying awake at night and being inspired just by the idea of finally leaving that place, writing songs and having freedom. I can't even say this hasn't lived up to my dream because I haven't even tried. I gave up before I even started.”

 

“It's never too late. All those things are still there. You just need to find them again and that's what you have someone like me for.” Craig smiled, winking at Kris. “I will say one thing which you have cleverly been avoiding talking about, this Adam guy – do you want him back in your life?”

 

Kris opens his mouth to speak and then closes it again. He doesn't know how to answer that, he thinks the answer should be no. It has to be no.

 

“Something to think about maybe?” Craig smiles again and punches his shoulder lightly.

 

“Craig...”

 

“Yeah...”

 

“Why are we listening to Van Halen?”

 

“Your dislike for Halen worries me, Kris.”

 

Kris doesn't need to respond because Craig is already listing every single song Van Halen ever recorded and it’s just easier for Kris to nod along. The conversations switch easily with Craig and that is one thing he does love about the guy. He doesn't let it get too deep for long.

 

The rest of the afternoon is slow, Jack turns up again at some point and the music changes to Bowie and that's one thing that Craig and Jack can at least agree on. Kris has been staring at paperwork and the computer for too long and he knows they won't mind if he heads out early. It's not exactly like they are rushed off their feet.

 

He doesn't rush to get home. He walks along by the river, the one place he loves. He used to go there after work, his guitar on his back and he would happily write songs and sing quietly to himself. He doesn't remember when he stopped doing that or why; he just did. There was always some event Josh wanted him to go to, a meal with people from Josh's work. He felt like he had less time for himself and somewhere, he gave up on it. Now it seems ridiculous to him that he would do something like that, Josh never asked him to give up his music. He has always been so encouraging, Kris spent their first few months together playing for Josh all the time. Josh used to love listening to Kris sing. He used to make requests and Josh would fall asleep close at his side, just to the sound of Kris's voice.

 

So why is it that Kris hasn't picked up his guitar in months? He loves it and wants it. But the inspiration stopped coming a long time ago and the only person he has to blame is himself, no one else. He put his guitar down, he is letting it dust in the closet.

 

When he finally gets to the apartment, the lights are on so he knows that Josh is already home. He stayed away longer than he normally would just because he knew Josh would be in later than usual. He didn't want to be waiting around in their apartment thinking about the fact that one of them would be gone. He knew it and Josh knew it. It is coming to an end; it's just a matter of time.

 

Josh's small suitcase is by the door when Kris gets in and from the front door he can see Josh sitting on the sofa. He is hunched over with his face in his hands. Kris feels the blame and guilt for letting this go on as long as it did wash over him. It's not that Kris doesn't love Josh, he really does and he wants it to be enough but it's just not. There's something missing between them, something he can't really define or explain but it’s always been there – a missing piece.

 

Kris throws his keys onto the coffee table when he reaches the sofa. It breaks the silence and wakes Josh from his thoughts, staring up at Kris, his eyes already wet with tears. Kris falls down to his knees in front of Josh because it still hurts like hell to see him in pain like this and to know that he is to blame for some part of it.

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

Josh shakes his head. “It's not your fault. I don't really think anyone's to blame. If we're being honest things haven't been right for a while now. I've been holding onto something that...”

 

“We both have.”

 

“I didn't want it to end, I just kept reminding myself of the good stuff because we weren't always like this.”

 

“I don't even know if... it's not that things have gone bad between us it's just I feel like...”

 

“It should be more?”

 

Kris nods. “What sucks is, I feel like I'm going to lose one of my best friends.”

 

“Yeah. But Kris, I won't carry on like this and you know that you can't either. It's like I'm not sad and I'm not happy I'm just getting up everyday and going to work and then coming back here and just existing. I love my work, my family and yeah I love you but something is missing and always comes back to the same thing with me. There's this distance between us and it keeps growing and I'm tired of trying close it when...”

 

“I won't let you.”

 

Josh shakes his head. “I'm not blaming you, I'm just trying to be honest.”

 

Kris gets up in frustration, no matter if Josh says the words that Kris isn't to blame he can't help but feel that underneath it all it's exactly what he means. “I have tried, Josh. I know I'm not good at talking about how I feel and sometimes I can be closed off but I've always been honest with you about who I am. I've tried so hard to...”

 

“It shouldn't be that hard, Kris. Loving someone should be effortless and this isn't. I know you've tried and so have I but it's just... we're done. We needed each other and now we don't anymore.”

 

“I know all that but I feel like...”

 

“You're still fighting it, even now.” Josh smiles at him slightly. “Things aren't going to change we both know this is how it is. It's over, Kris.”

 

Kris takes the words in, the words he has known to be true for a long time. It's strange how hard it is to accept when it is staring in straight in the face. Josh looks resigned to it all, like there isn't anything else left to say but Kris can think of so many things he wants to, a lot of things he should have done.

 

He sits down next to Josh on the couch and leans back and closes his eyes, he feels Josh move close to him to rest against him. “I think you've known this was ending a lot longer than I did.” Josh's voice is quiet and Kris doesn't know what to say to that, he only knows the feeling that's been in the pit of his stomach for months now, the guilt every time he looked at Josh.

 

“It was that night though, when we all went out to see Michelle perform. When I saw you with Adam.”

 

“It's not..”

 

“It's not really anything you did... watching him look at you, I felt like I was the third party interrupting the couple. I know you're going to say it's not about him but I think that part of it is about him for you. I know you love me but I think there's still something there, something that you haven't let go of. Maybe it’s nothing, maybe... I don't want to be the reason you never find out. I wish you would look at me the way you looked at him but I’m not...”

 

Kris wants there to be some hint of anger in Josh's voice, anything other than how resigned he seems. “Adam and I... we're not. It was over a long time ago and he isn't the reason why...”

 

“Why this is ending?”

 

Kris nods. He should have started this conversation a long time ago. It shouldn’t have come down to Josh.

 

“I know that. But it is you though. You aren't the same as when we first met and I know that people change but this is different. You haven't changed at all and I think that's the problem. If I loved you less I wouldn't even tell you any of this but I want you to be happy.” Josh looks directly at him as he finishes talking, his eyes are red but he isn't crying.

 

It's almost too hard to watch, Kris needs to take it back. He can be happy with Josh if he really tries, he can surely make this work somehow. It's selfish of him to want to have all these other things in his life and not care that he is breaking someone's heart. Because he does care, and he wants this to be enough, maybe he can try.

 

Josh takes his hands and Kris feels numb, he clings onto Josh's hands for dear life. “This may not be about Adam, but it's something. It was nice watching you see Michelle perform. You were so happy for your friend. You always get really lost in the music and you used to look the same when you played. Now you don't even pick up your guitar. I may not understand what it’s like to have that kind of connection to music, but I do know that a big part of it is actually creating something. You don't create anything, Kris. You aren't inspired and I want you to find whatever it is that inspires you.”

 

Josh says the words like it's his fault, that Josh did something and took all the life out of Kris's music and it’s not him at all, it's Kris. He is wrong somehow, broken and unable to string together any tunes or melodies. He used to write lyrics fluidly and now they are a jumbled mess on a page that inevitably ends up in the trash.

 

“We both deserve more than this.”

 

Kris leans forward and rests his forehead against Josh's, his fingers gripping into his hair. “Josh... I'm sorry.”

 

Josh licks his lips and closes his eyes. “Don't be sorry. I just want you to be happy.”

 

“You know I want that for you too right? You know how much I wish we could make each other happy?”

 

Josh nods. “I know. It doesn't change anything though.”

 

When Josh finally opens his eyes again, they are still wet with tears and Kris brushes away the drops of water forming under his eyes and leans in, brushing his lips against Josh's softly. It will be the last time they kiss like this so Kris doesn't hold back, it deepens quickly. It's natural and easy, perfected. Josh pulls away and sighs heavily, moving to lean against the sofa. He takes Kris with him in his arms.

 

Kris thinks about this sofa and how it took them a whole day to find the one that would look perfect in this room, how when it got delivered they spent the whole day naked and wrapped around each other on it, the red wine stain that Michelle made at Josh's birthday party, the cushion covers that are starting to fray... he can think of hundreds of memories all revolving around this damn sofa and it dawns on him that any future memories will be only one of them making them. All their relationship has come down to is a bunch of belongings separated into two and it should be more than that.

 

Kris doesn't know how long they stay like that, but it's Josh who moves himself away. He mutters something about going to see his parents for a couple of weeks and Kris nods through the whole thing, reaching out to hug and kiss him goodbye and then he remembers they aren't a they anymore. So he just watches Josh move around the apartment, picking up a few last minute things and then his suitcase waiting by the door and Josh is gone out of his life.

 

Kris stares at the door for a few minutes, expecting it to fly back open and for time to rewind back to a happier time. But it doesn't and Kris falls down to his knees and lets himself cry.

 

–

 

Kris has been sleeping a lot. Too much really. But giving himself a week off work has given him nothing but time to do whatever he wants. So if he wants to stay in bed till three in the afternoon and not get dressed then he damn well will. He might be moping around the house and mourning the loss of his relationship but isn't that his right? Isn't this what people do when a relationship breaks down? Sitting around thinking over everything that went wrong, drinking and eating all the things that are bad for you?

 

The insistent banging on the door to his apartment is insanely frustrating though. If it hadn't been going on for the last twenty minutes, Kris would have just ignored it. He pulls himself out of bed and pads along out of his bedroom and through the living room. An angry Michelle awaits on the other side of the door when he opens it and she stomps into the apartment, arms crossed, hair big and wild.

 

Kris rubs his eyes and settles down on the sofa. He knows Michelle will have a lot to say to him. He hasn't seen her for three weeks, he has been avoiding her calls and he promised to go and see her perform but never went.

 

“You know I love you Kris Allen and I'm sorry about you and Josh but I have a job, gigs and generally a life which you used to be a pretty big part of until you decided to become a hermit... and anyway this is the only time I had to come...”

 

“Yell at me?”

 

“Yes! And don't act like you don't deserve it, you little shit. I've been trying to call you. I'm worried about you and so is Craig. You know how hard it is for him to give a shit about someone other than himself.”

 

“I'm sorry. I've been a bad friend recently but Chelle, I've really not been that much fun to be around.”

 

Michelle huffs and throws her hands up in the air. “That's why we are your friends, Kris. If you are going through something then you have to talk to us and not shut us out.”

 

It's just second nature to him now, he is always on guard with everyone. Even his friends, he has managed to get by so long just letting them below the surface never really getting that deep. But it only works for so long. It makes people care enough to want to know more, to be invested and worry when you disappear for a week or more.

 

“I know you don't always find it easy to talk about yourself and how you feel. But locking yourself away in this apartment won't solve anything. You close yourself off to everyone and it’s not fair to us because we love you.”

 

Kris nods. “I know... I just... I feel like I'm sinking and I don't know what to do... I don't want to go back to that crappy job and sell other people’s music, I want to be out there like you and make my own. I've spent the last week staring at my guitar and my notebook and nothing comes out. I have zero inspiration. My relationship just ended and I should feel something, some kind of regret or sadness and I just feel angry because I can't get anything out of me at all.”

 

“That's because no one gets inspired sitting around in their underwear in a dirty apartment. They get inspired by going out there and living their lives. And if you don't want to work that crappy job then don't. If you want to make music then make it, get up and figure yourself out Kris unless you want to lose the people in your life who care about you.”

“I'm sorry about not coming to see you perform. I've just been...”

 

Michelle nodded. “I know. I'm still mad at you though. You can make it up to me by showering and coming to see me perform tonight.”

 

“Chelle...”

 

Michelle's expression changed to one of anger again very quickly. “I know you are fragile or whatever, Kris but understand something when I say you can make it up to me. I mean you are going to get showered and you are going to come and watch me perform tonight. Is anything unclear?”

 

Kris shakes his head. “I'll be the worst company, just so you know.”

 

“I don't care. I've missed my best friend’s face in the crowd.”

 

Kris has missed her too. It’s his own fault for hiding out for so long so there is no one else to blame. And despite all the yelling he forgot how calm Michelle can make him feel; it’s like she magically puts things into perspective for him. Her body relaxes and her face is softer than before and she walks over to the sofa and sits next to him, snuggling into his side.

 

“I'm done yelling now, come here.”

 

They somehow get their arms wrapped around each other and Kris re-tells the tale of how Josh left him, Michelle isn't surprised, her feelings on the whole thing pretty much match Craig's and it leaves Kris feeling like he was out of the loop on this huge secret about his relationship.

 

“It will get easier. I know you must miss him...”

 

“It's not even that... I mean I do miss Josh of course I do but I feel like I've been such an idiot. I knew this was coming and I just carried on, ignoring it and listening to what you and Craig have said about me and Josh it’s like... I wasn't doing a good enough job of hiding the fact that the relationship was falling apart and that's an awful thing to even think about. Like I want to be good at hiding my misery? How is that healthy?”

 

“You get comfortable too easy, Kris. You let yourself fall into a pattern and let other people guide you along. You've spent too much time doing what everyone else wants and expects you to do. It's time to think for yourself, do whatever you want to do with your life.”

 

Michelle finds a candy bar and half a carton of juice in the fridge and they sit there eating them together. She tries to cheer him up with embarrassing Craig stories and for the most part it works. Then he is alone in the shower, Michelle is in the next room picking out an outfit for him and he just feels kind of pathetic. He knows that everything Michelle said is the truth, this is the time for him to be who he wants to be. But he can't even figure it out.

 

The outfit is on his bed, dark jeans and a white t-shirt - it’s warm at night now so he can get away with just that. He picks up his bracelets from the night stand, his hand lingers on the one Josh bought him for his birthday. Michelle is waiting in the living room, holding a photo album Kris had been looking at a few days ago.

 

“How long were you and Adam together?”

 

Shit. He forgot that he had gotten drunk on cheap vodka and pulled out all his old photo albums of Adam and his friends back then.

 

“We were never together...”

 

“In practically all these pictures you’re kissing or hugging?”

 

“And?”

 

Michelle flips over the page and stares down in confusion. “The way he looks at you.”

 

“It's enough to have anyone fooled.”

 

Michelle flips it shut and turns to look at Kris. “You still have a lot of anger towards him don't you?”

 

Kris sighs heavily. It’s a conversation he doesn't want to have but then he has spent a large portion of his life avoiding confrontations and maybe this can be a part of that new change.

 

“Sometimes I only remember the good things about that time in my life. Adam was... he was the best friend I ever had. I'd never met anyone like him, the way he viewed the world... I felt alive just being around him, letting myself think from his perspective – he made me feel like I could be anything, be anyone.”

 

“You were inspired.”

 

Kris had been inspired. He has notebooks full of lyrics and melodies, most of them never amounted to anything but they are still there. “I was. But then there was this other side... this side that made me feel like my heart had been pulled out of my chest. One night he'd be all over me, telling me he loved me, fucking me and then I'd come home and he'd be on the sofa with some guy, sometimes more than one guy asking me to join in, telling me to fuck off – depending on what mood he was in. Sometimes he'd tease me in front of them, tell them I was a prude, not man enough and I'd cave and let him fuck me with strangers there in the room...”

 

He'd always skimmed the details for Michelle, because he knew when he looked at her face there would be shock and mortification there. Just thinking about it makes him feel the same because it’s not him. It is so far from who he is that it terrifies him how much power Adam had over him.

 

“I'm not proud of what I did. I'm ashamed that I let someone else control me so much. But I loved him, and the moments when things were good... they were amazing. I fooled myself into thinking that one day he'd realise what he had. He had someone who loved him... I was an idiot.”

 

“I didn't know...”

 

“How would you? I never said and... like I said those were not exactly my finest moments.”

 

“Adam seems so nice and genuine.”

 

Kris nods because Adam can be those things. He's brutally honest when you don’t want him to be and he'll make you love him when you want to hate him.

 

“Kris, I... I guess over the past couple of weeks I've got to talking to Adam. Maybe he isn't the same person he was back then. You know... people change...”

 

“I know that. Believe me I do. It just doesn't change what happened or how I remember any of it.”

 

“But...”

 

“Chelle, usually I'll listen to what you have to say. But this is one of those things where you can't change how I feel. You weren't there and you didn't live it.”

 

Michelle nods, conversation closed. “Let's go.”

 

Kris nods and takes in a deep breath. He knows without any doubt that he will see Adam again tonight and he doesn't know how to prepare himself for that. For someone who Kris really wants to have out of his life, Adam sure has a way of creeping back in.

 

Michelle stops when they get to the door and turns to look at him. “You don't have to do this. I've been so selfish, I didn't realise...”

 

Kris shakes his head. “You're my friend and I've not been doing a good job of showing you that and I want to see you perform.”

 

Michelle hugs him tightly and then smiles. She clearly wants him to come but feels like she has to do the right thing by offering the choice of not having to. It's sweet and a very tempting offer of avoidance, but he is a better friend than that.

 

–

 

It's not as busy at the bar as it was the last time Kris was there. The midweek crowd is clearly different than those who come here on the weekends. It's nice, because it means Kris can sit at a table right up front and watch Michelle do her thing. Despite the bar not even being half full, she still manages to grab the attention of every single person in the room. People half way through conversations stop as soon as she starts to sing. Kris feels a huge sense of pride when he watches her.

 

Michelle is talking to the crowd, charming them in her usual way and she winks at Kris and strums a few familiar chords on her guitar.

 

“I've decided I'm going to ask a friend of mine to come up and sing this one with me. He is going to be pissed at me and super nervous so you all have to give him a warm welcome, okay?”

 

Kris really hopes that someone else is here that Michelle knows because the way she is looking at him is worrying him slightly.

 

“Everyone... Kris Allen.”

 

Michelle's hand is out, reached in his direction and all the faces that were looking at her are now looking at him and he can't exactly make a run for it. He stands up, his eyes never leaving Michelle's, she is smiling widely and clapping her hands together.

 

“I know you know this one...” Michelle gets off the stool and lets him sit down. They have performed the song together countless times - it’s easy and beautiful and there really should be no fear. This is something he loves doing, he always has but he feels afraid and on display.

 

They share the microphone and Michelle starts off, her voice comforting and soothing to him, so he just listens to her, forgets the fact that people are watching them. He pretends he is at home in his living room and starts to sing.

 

You say you'll give me a highway with no one on it, a treasure just to look upon it - all the riches in the night  
You say you'll give me eyes in a world of blindness - a river in a time of dryness- a harbour in the tempest

 

Kris feels like he is coming home. He forgot how much he missed doing this, how much it completes him. Of all the things he has realised over the last few weeks this is the most shocking one of all. Not because he didn't know he loved it, but because he doesn't know how he ever got through each day without it. It's so much a part of who he is that he doesn't understand how he has been able to live his life. It's on the small stage with his best friend when he realises that he hasn't been living. He has been floating along existing, a half version of himself. He feels terrified all over again.

 

–

 

A few people come up to him after his song with Michelle and ask him when it is that he performs at the bar and it’s flattering and makes him wish he had an answer for them. He just jokes that it was one performance and that was it. Some smile and others look genuinely confused and disappointed.

 

He heads to the bar and gets the drinks Michelle asked him to get. Apparently, their performance is a case for huge celebration. The bar is quiet as well, just one person behind it. A guy with bright purple hair and tattoos all up his arms. He tells Kris he was great and lets him have the two drinks on the house.

 

“I forgot how amazing you are at that.”

 

The bar is quiet and he hears the voice clearly. He is surprised he didn't notice Adam sitting so closely to him. He remembers always being so aware of Adam's presence.

 

“Really good. Your voice is beautiful.”

 

Kris looks towards Michelle. She is deep in conversation with a girl who is now sitting in Kris's chair. It's the second time tonight he wants to make a run for it.

 

“Are you just going to ignore me? I guess I deserve that.” The self deprecating tone to Adam's voice isn't one that Kris is used to at all; it's kind of irritating.

 

“I'm not ignoring you. I just... I don't know what to say.”

 

“How about thank you for the compliment? You always were bad at taking them.”

 

“They make me uncomfortable... I never understand why...” Kris stops himself because he is getting into a  
territory that he doesn't want to enter. He hates how easy he finds it to just be himself around Adam.

 

“I know.”

 

Kris looks at Adam and there is something in his eyes, a sadness, a drunkenness. The empty glasses surrounding him confirm that too. Adam pats the stool next to him. “Sit down, have a drink with me.”

 

Kris looks back at Michelle, still chatting away and he knows he is going to regret this decision but he sits down anyway.

 

“You haven't been around to see Michelle since her first night. She's been kind of pissed at you.”

 

Kris doesn't like that Adam knows that much, that he has talked to Michelle about that. He feels a sudden possessiveness over his friend.

 

“I've had some things going on, Michelle understands that.”

 

“Like breaking up with that cute little boyfriend of yours?”

 

“So what, you're just stalking all of my friends now trying to figure out what's going on in my life?”

 

Adam shrugs. “I was interested about how you were. I asked and Michelle told me. Is it so bad that I want to know about your life?”

 

“Yes. I don't want you to know about my life. I don't want you in my life.”

 

“That makes things clear.” Adam downs the rest of his drink and looks into the empty glass. Kris refuses to feel bad for what he said or how he spoke. He spent years of his life letting this person humiliate him and making him feel like shit. He has no reason to apologise.

 

“I wish you could see...”

 

Adam turns to look at him but is interrupted by a petite blonde guy rubbing his hand across Adam's back. He leans down to whisper into Adam's ear, only Kris hears exactly what he is saying. “Are you ready to get out of here?”

 

The blonde guy licks at Adam's ear, and the noise Adam makes in response is all too familiar to Kris. Kris wants to turn away, it feels intrusive and not his place to look but Adam holds his gaze, putting on a show, just like the Adam he knows.

 

“Yeah I'm ready... except...” Adam slides off his stool, pulling the blonde guy close to his side and lurches them both toward Kris. “You want to join us?”

 

Kris is furious, with himself, with Adam, with the stupid fucking pretty guy looking down at him smiling. “Just like old times...”

 

Adam leans in to whisper into Kris's ear. “I know you want to, I can see it in your eyes. You're thinking about it...”

 

Kris pushes Adam away angrily, both him and the blonde stumbling backwards. “Fuck you, Adam.”

 

Kris can feel Adam's gaze on him as he marches over to Michelle and pulls his jacket off the chair he'd been sitting on. Michelle clearly caught the end of their show and looks concerned. She jumps off her chair without Kris saying a word and follows closely behind him as they leave the bar.

 

It's Kris's fault, he knew he'd regret it. And he did.

 

\--

 

Despite how badly the night ended, Kris finds himself feeling pretty positive the next morning. Michelle crashed on his couch and spent the walk to work with Kris telling him how sorry she was. Like any of it is Michelle's fault? Kris knows what Adam is like and the brief hope he had that Adam really had changed officially went out the window last night. Surprisingly, he doesn't feel that sad about it, if anything he had been expecting it. He can't feel like he lost something when he saw it coming all along.

 

He feels bad for Michelle really. She seems to like Adam and his behaviour seems to be making her question that. He doesn't say a bad word against Adam, Kris isn't like that. If Michelle wants to be friends with Adam it's her decision. As a friend, Adam is great to have. It’s when the lines blur that things get complicated and Michelle is safe from that.

 

Craig already has the store opened up; U2, his music of choice for the morning. He is pulling out CD's from the order they got in this morning, singing along loudly to “Where The Streets Have No Name” and Kris has an idea that is brilliant and yet slightly worrying all at the same time.

 

“Craig... I have an idea.”

 

Craig looks at him and heads over to turn the music down. “In my experience nothing ever ends well when something starts out with the way you just said that. If you have an idea you should be certain about it...”

 

“Okay, shut up.” Kris jumps up on the counter and Craig stands opposite him, waiting.

 

“I haven't thought it through at all and it might be totally stupid but I know that out of all the people I have in my life you are the one person that will be honest with me.”

 

“This is true. Okay, Allen. Hit me.”

 

“I want to start a band. And I think you should be in it.”

 

“You what?”

 

Kris jumps down from the counter and starts pacing, he can't keep still and he has too many ideas going around in his brain. “I know it's completely insane. Last night was the first time I picked up a guitar in months, and it was terrifying but also nothing ever felt so right in my life. I didn't even realise how much I was missing this huge part of me and then all of a sudden it all just fell into place. I know you can play the drums, and Jack is amazing on the bass – I'm not deluded enough to think that we are suddenly all going to get out of this place and make it big, but I know you guys understand how I feel about music more than anyone else because you feel it too. You think I'm crazy, don't you?”

 

“I do think you're crazy, yeah. But that whole speech made you a little less crazy. Best idea ever.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Are you kidding me?” Craig is pacing with him. They stop every now and then to look at each other. “You know that I am totally up for this, right? Jack will be too, and if he says he isn't, we have some pretty incriminating photos of him from the last house party we had so no worries there. I have this friend Tony, amazing lead guitarist. He toured with his old band for a little while but then the other guys decided to go get their girlfriends pregnant or get married. Losers. He's been bitching at me for ages about missing playing... I could call him?”

 

“What are you waiting for? Call him!”

 

Craig calls Tony and it’s a short conversation but it seems to go well. They have a meet up agreed for after work at the bar across the road and Kris feels like he is buzzing. Jack turns up at lunch time, half hung over with a late breakfast for them all and as soon as Craig and Kris tell him their idea, he is bouncing around and talking about covers. Which of course inevitably leads to arguments between him and Craig about who the most talented Beatle was. Normally, it would piss Kris off but he just laughs at them, doodling down lyrics absently. It's only at the end of the shift when he realises he has five pages full of words - words that he can actually imagine turning into something.

 

Tony is chilled out and realistic which turns out to be exactly what they needed. Kris, Jack and Craig have spent the afternoon with their heads in the clouds and Tony is the one who calms them down and brings things together. He has a good rehearsal space and arranges a day for Craig to get his drum kit over there. He wants to hear some of Kris's stuff and Kris invites him over to the shop the next day so they can jam a little. Mostly they talk about themselves though, about life and what led them to be here.

 

Tony grew up in England and moved out here with his mom when he was 13 after his parents got divorced. His mom was born here and she always wanted to come back. As it turns out, his dad wasn't the nice guy his mom thought he was, so they left, never looking back. He hadn't always been so into music; he had dreams of becoming a police officer and up until he was 16 was determined to do so. Then his mom took him to a music festival a couple of hours from where they lived and he had fallen in love with the whole scene, with music. He spent hours locked in his room catching up with the music he had missed growing up.

 

They could all relate to that in some way, despite what age it had come to them. They all, at one point in their lives had locked themselves away and got lost in music. Kris likes Tony. He has a good outlook on life and an amazing sense of humour. He doesn’t put up with any of Craig's shit and Kris has a feeling he would be the calming effect the band would need desperately.

 

“You know we need to think about where we could perform? I mean what point is it having a band if no one's going to see us?” Craig slurs after maybe too many rounds of beer.

 

Tony shakes his head. “Aren't you getting a bit ahead of yourself?”

 

“I know it's not going to happen for a while but I'm just saying... we should think about it.” Craig downs what is left of his drink and Jack nods along slowly.

 

“I might have an idea on that.” Kris has been thinking about that all night, the same name of the person he could ask repeatedly going through his mind. “But Tony's right. Let’s get some songs together and rehearsals happening before we think about that, yeah?”

 

They nod in approval and Craig goes back to telling the story of how he had found Jack passed out drunk on his door step a few months ago. Kris watches them all talking; he really has never been much of a believer in fate and things happening for a reason or with a pattern. But something feels right about the moment, like they are working towards something that could be really brilliant. He wants to try and hide his excitement, he needs to be prepared if there is a fall, but he couldn't help it. He just has a feeling deep inside, something telling him that it is all going to work out perfectly.

 

–

 

Rehearsals go well, better than any of them expected. They seem to flow into a sound that they all love, it just happens naturally. It turns out Tony is an amazing song writer, and when he hears what Kris already has, he has all these suggestions that turn what was already there into something beautiful. Craig seems unsurprised by how well Kris and Tony work together musically; there is a connection and a chemistry right from the beginning.

 

After three weeks, they manage to get a set list of six songs together - four originals and two covers which are The Jam's “That's Entertainment” and Tom Petty's “Learning To Fly”. Because everything is going so well and they have perfected things, Kris knows he needs to go and ask Adam.

 

He has been to see Michelle a lot. He somehow always manages to avoid being anywhere near Adam. But it's no secret across town that Adam hires some of the best people to perform at his bar and a lot of them have gone off on tour to support some amazing bands. Kris doesn't know if they could be one of those bands, but he wants the chance for them to perform in front of a real crowd and not just for Tony's girlfriend and Mom.

 

He goes to the bar during his lunch break, hoping that Adam will be there and that it will be fairly quiet. The door is locked when he gets there and he knocks a few times before someone finally opens the door. It's Adam, dressed in ripped jeans and a baggy black sweater, his face is free of make-up and his hair is a mess.

 

“Did you sleep here?”

 

“My apartment is just across the street.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Kris waits for Adam to open the door wider and let him in, but he doesn't. “Can I come in?”

 

“What do you want, Kris?”

 

“I need a favour and I'd rather ask it inside than out here.”

 

Adam steps aside and holds out his arm as a welcome to Kris. He walks toward the bar where there are a few folders open and a cup of coffee.

 

“You want coffee?”

 

Kris nods and he watches Adam going behind the bar to get him a mug. “Black, two sugars right?” Kris nods again. He isn't too surprised Adam remembers. He was always good at remembering the small insignificant stuff.

 

“So what can I do for you?”

 

Adam hands him the coffee across the bar before coming around to sit on the stool where his books are. “I have a band and I want you to let us perform here.”

 

“Are you any good?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I only have one midweek slot available at the moment, it wouldn't be a huge crowd for you.”

 

Kris shrugs. “That doesn't matter, we just want somewhere to perform.”

 

“I guess I owe you that much.”

 

“I don't want you to do it because you feel like you owe me anything. We can audition and if you think we're good enough...”

 

“Kris... I don't want you to audition. I know how good you are and my other reasons are mine, whether you want them or not.”

 

“Fine.”

 

Adam can keep his reasons even if they do bother Kris. Kris knows that the band won't get seen as much in any other bar. Even before Kris knew Adam owned the place, he had heard of it's reputation. Kris keeps that as his motivation for being able to stand here and ask this of Adam. There's a small silence, Kris watches Adam pencil something in his planner and he waits for Adam to speak, to tell him when they are needed.

 

“I'm sorry. About that night when you came to see Michelle. I had a really bad day, bad meeting with investors and watching you perform... I just...”

 

Kris sighs and leans away from the bar, his actions stop Adam from finishing the sentence. “Right... you don't care.” Adam clears his throat and looks down at his diary. “Next Wednesday, we'll see how you do and then we can make it a regular thing. You go on at 9 pm.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“You're welcome.”

 

Kris finishes his coffee and slips off the stool. Adam watches him move around and head to the door. “Adam, it's not that I don't care. I just can't let myself get invested again.”

 

Adam nods and puts his head back into his books. Kris takes in a deep breath as soon as he is outside. He didn't expect that it would be so hard to be alone with Adam, to have to ask him such a huge favour and not even seem that thankful. Because he really is, he is excited and happy that Adam said yes, so much so that he is practically running back to work to tell Jack and Craig. If he had gone with his instincts he would have thrown his arms around Adam and thanked him over and over again, but he constantly has to keep himself in check around Adam. Because he can't let himself slip up, he won't be fooled into believing Adam is different, just to be let down again.

 

–

 

Tony doesn't do nerves apparently, Craig is annoyingly cocky and Jack is buzzing around like a crazy person. Kris just feels excited, nauseous and nervous all at the same time. It's a good thing they rehearsed every day like crazy for the last week; he never has been one to forget words but it's just his luck that tonight would be the time he made that exception or something.

 

Michelle is in the audience as she promised she would be. She always promised she would wear a shirt saying “Kris Allen's #1 fan” - he really hopes she was kidding. They had all arrived early to set up and Adam introduced himself and was charming as ever, the rest of the band already love him and his style and blah blah blah. He actually heard Craig call him badass and he has never heard Craig use that phrase ever.

 

He was sure Adam mentioned that the crowd would be small tonight, but when Kris peaks around the side of the stage it’s packed out. He wouldn't be surprised if Michelle ran out onto the street and bribed people to come into the bar.

 

They didn't spend too much time deciding on a name, Tony suggested Haven early on and it kind of stuck. It's how they all see this band as a safety zone for them all, something to lose themselves into without judgement or fear, it just fits. Craig may have made a few “lame” comments but until he can think of a better name, he can just shut up. Adam introduces them, which is unusual. Normally, he just lets the performers do their own thing but he looks at Kris standing off stage and introduces them with an incredible amount of energy.

 

Kris hears Michelle before he sees her. She is whooping loudly by the front of the stage, which is extremely embarrassing for Kris and he thinks for her as well. From the second Craig counts them in, Kris comes alive. Everything works as perfectly as it had been in rehearsals and then some. Tony is full of energy and gets the crowd going, Craig gives it everything he has. Strangely enough, Jack is the most chilled out on stage despite his crazy excitement from before. Kris just feels like he never wants to be anywhere else, never wants to do anything else.

 

The half hour they are on stage is a blur. It all goes too quickly and the moment they step off the stage Kris just wants to run back up on there again. Adam approaches them, smiling widely.

 

“I'd say that was a success. See you again next week, same time.”

 

He struts off in the direction he came from and Kris feels a huge amount of satisfaction. He tries to pretend that it has nothing to do with the fact that Adam is impressed with him and the band. Michelle finds them first throwing her arms around each of them, even Tony who she doesn't really know that well. She is talking non-stop, pulling them all along to the table she was sitting at, drinks waiting for each of them. She is officially Kris's favourite new person.

 

The conversation moves quickly and easily, Kris can't remember the last time he smiled so much. Michelle keeps bumping into him and laughing. “You were amazing up there, Kris.”

 

“I felt amazing.”

 

“It's been too long since you performed like that.”

 

“I feel like things are coming together for me you know? I mean, I know it’s only one show a week but it's enough for now.”

 

“Just you wait, before you know it you'll be on here on a bigger night. The crowd loved you, there's no way Adam is going to keep you on Wednesday's. Maybe Saturday's?”

 

Kris laughs. “Yeah right. We'd have to knock you off your stool first.”

 

Michelle smiles and leans in closer to him. “Maybe not. Can I tell you a secret?”

 

“Always.”

 

“I got offered a spot to go on tour. It's just this local band, but apparently there's this huge buzz about them. Mostly college campuses but it's something right?”

 

“You're leaving?”

 

“I haven't made a final decision, they want to know by tomorrow.”

 

“When were you going to tell me?”

 

“I'm telling you now, Kris.” She takes a sip of her drink and looks around the table. “I didn't know when would be the right time, you were so excited about tonight and I didn't want to take any of that away from you. And... I know if I say yes I'm going to be gone for months and it means leaving all of you behind. Leaving you behind.”

 

Kris shakes his head. “That's not a good reason not to do this. This is huge, Chelle. You know you have to go right?”

 

“Really? You think I should?”

 

“Of course! Were you worried what I'd think or something?”

 

“I don't know. I guess. I know how much it sucks just thinking about leaving my best friend behind, I thought maybe you'd be a little sad.”

 

“Now you're just fishing for compliments. But, you know that I will miss you like crazy but don't for one second think that if I had that opportunity I wouldn't be out the door. Because I would be.”

 

Michelle stares off into the distance towards the bar, Kris follows her eye and Adam is behind the bar serving customers. It really is busy for a Wednesday and it's just him and the pink haired guy Kris saw last time he was here with Michelle.

 

“What are you worried about now?” Kris asks taking a gulp of his own drink.

 

“What? Oh nothing.” Michelle waves her hand around dismissing him.

 

“Liar. Come on, tell me.”

 

She breathes in heavily and turns to face Kris. He can tell she is slightly tipsy after her half a bottle of wine. “I've been here a lot recently. I've been playing like two gigs a week and Adam and I... I don't know, I guess we got to be pretty good friends and I'm worried about him.”

 

Kris sighs into his drink and Michelle forces him to turn and look at her. “I know the two of you have this history, okay? And I know you don't want to hear about his life now but... I'm not sure I'm entirely buying that.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“He looks at you a lot. You should have seen him when you were performing, Kris, he didn't take his eyes off you for a second. You know a lot about his life, right? Where he grew up, his family all that stuff?”

 

Kris nods. “I do.”

 

“But you have no idea how he came to be here, why he opened this bar, why he stopped acting the way he did when you knew him.”

 

“He propositioned me to a threesome last week. Did he tell you that?”

 

“Yeah, he did. He also told me that it was a stupid mistake and that he plans on never drinking ever again.”

 

“Yeah I've heard that line before. See the thing is Michelle, you've known Adam for a couple of months now and on the surface he seems like this really sweet guy and he is. But he is full of excuses when he fucks up and to start with, they are all really easy to believe, because he looks at you and apologises and you want to forgive him. After a while, it ends up getting really old.”

 

“I just think if you gave him a chance to explain...”

 

“I've run out of chances for Adam. He knows that.”

 

Michelle takes a sip of her drink and drops the conversation. “One last thing though, I don't leave on that tour for another two weeks and I plan on spending that time convincing you that talking things out with Adam will be amazing for the both of you.” She smiles determinedly and usually anyone on the receiving end of that is screwed because Michelle is known for getting her own way. Kris doesn't bother to tell her she is wrong this time.

 

–

 

Two weeks fly by and Kris gets forced by Michelle to go to the huge goodbye party Adam is throwing for her at the bar. Farewell parties have a tendency to just make Kris feel really depressed. He remembers the farewell party his parents had thrown for him when he left Arkansas. His Mom spent two hours crying and all his friends tried to convince him not to leave. It was the worst four hours of his life.

 

Michelle has promised it won't be like that though. Her leaving is nothing but a good thing and it's a symbol of hope that everyone can make it if they really try. Kris thinks she was just trying to make him feel better. Craig, Jack, Tony and his girlfriend Pam are all here as well though, so it makes it easy to hide in a corner with all of them and just talk.

 

Michelle did keep her word about convincing Kris to give Adam a chance to explain, and the exact thing happened that Kris knew it would, he didn't budge. Michelle is not one to accept failure easily so he is on his guard tonight, watching out for opportunities she might find to leave the two of them alone together. She doesn't understand why Kris is fighting so hard against it, and he can't really explain it to her either. Talking to Adam wouldn't be the worst thing, but letting himself feel weak again would.

 

Jack and Craig are arguing over who the best Spice Girl was, Tony and Pam are laughing at them and Kris is watching Michelle from across the room. She looks happy moving around from people to people, laughing and talking. He is so happy for her. She has worked harder for this than anyone he knows.

 

Kris doesn't mean to but he looks around for Adam. He saw him when he was coming in but he seems to have vanished since. The bar is closed for the party so there is only one person behind the bar and it's not Adam. He gives himself one more look around the bar before he'll give up. Then Kris sees him, standing by the door. He is watching Michelle, but instead of looking happy for her, he just looks sad, almost lost.

 

It's breaking every promise he made to himself, it’s the one thing he said to Michelle he wasn't going to do, but he finds himself walking over towards where Adam is. When Adam opens the door and steps outside, he doesn't take it that Adam wants to be alone so Kris follows him out.

 

“Not in the mood for a party?”

 

Adam looks surprised when he hears Kris's voice. “I just wanted to get some air.”

 

Kris nods. There are a lot of things he could start saying. They have a category of moments to go through, hurtful things Adam said and did, amazing moments they shared; Kris doesn't know where to start.

 

“I'm going to miss her.” Adam speaks without looking at Kris. “Michelle, I mean. It's been a long time since I had someone in my life who seems to actually give a shit about me. I'm going to miss her.”

 

“Me too. But she deserves this.”

 

“I know. I just selfishly want her to stay.”

 

Kris can relate. There has been a few moments over the last two weeks where he has wanted to take back his support for her leaving and tell Michelle that she can't go anywhere.

 

“She spent the last two weeks trying to convince me to talk to you.”

 

“She told me about that.” Adam sighs. “I told her not to bother. I knew you gave up on me a long time ago.”

 

The sadness in Adam's voice is heartbreaking. He can hear the crack in Adam's voice as he speaks and fuck if Kris is going to be made to feel bad. “See this is why I can't do this, Adam. I don't want to feel bad for you. Maybe that makes me sound like an ass but after everything you put me through, do you really think I owe you any sympathy?”

 

“You don't owe me anything.”

 

“Damn right I don't.” Kris shouldn't have come out here. He keeps doing things against his better judgement. He turns, ready to leave Adam standing against the wall alone.

 

“I guess I thought that if we were ever in each other’s lives again, you would at least let me explain. Because we are you know? In each other’s lives. Whether you accept it or not, we are. You perform at my bar, Michelle, and your bandmates love me.”

 

“They don't know though, do they? They see you now for who you are but they don't know what you were like back then.”

 

“Do you think you'll ever stop punishing me for that? What do you want me to say? I regret how I treated you, the things I said and did. The things I asked you to do, all the promises I broke...”

 

“I don't need a list, I was there.”

 

“Did you ever take responsibility for the choices you made, Kris?” Adam is angry, Kris can't really blame him. He is acting defensive and like an ass but he doesn't know whether he can do this.

 

“I know what I was like back then. It took me a long time to deal with the fact that I let myself believe all your lies. Why do you think I spent most of my time avoiding being around you? I refuse to let myself be that weak with anyone ever again.”

 

“You'll never really love anyone then. You do realise that?”

 

Kris laughs bitterly. “Are you actually going to talk to me about love? That's rich, Adam.”

 

“Contrary to what you think, I do know what it's like to love someone.”

 

“Loving yourself doesn't count.”

 

“I loved you, didn't I?”

 

“I wouldn't know, you never told me!” Kris isn't really aware of how loud they are yelling until the people leaving the bar stop and stare at them as they walk by. Kris waits until they are gone before he looks back at Adam.

 

“Adam...”

 

“Let me talk. You've said enough and you won't even let me explain. It was right here, this exact spot that I let you walk out of my life. It didn't even hit me just how much I missed you until a few days later. I'd wake up and want you to be there next to me, I'd go to call you and realise that... you wouldn't answer. I kept thinking you were going to walk back through the door and when you didn't something changed, Kris. I still went out every night, searching for whatever the fuck it was I was looking for and it was empty. I got really drunk one night, I mean... pathetically so. I woke up passed out in the morning up on the floor.” Adam points in the direction of where the door to the club is.

 

“Right there. I had this... moment I guess. All the things I wanted to do with my life came down to that moment, me passed out in my own vomit. I was disgusted with myself and my life. All I could think about was how I'd treated you so badly, the one person I've ever had in my life who cared about me despite of how I was. I didn't know what to do with it then and maybe I don't now. But I had to change and it took years, it took cutting out people from my life who were not good for me, who didn't care about me. You look at me and still see the same person and I am, I just worked to take away some things that weren't so good. Sort of like you and your music, the band. You weren't being you and now you are. I am too.”

 

Kris looks at Adam, incredulous. “Adam...”

 

“You think that I haven't thought about you every single day? I loved you, Kris. I still do. You know that, it's why you hate being near me because you know that if you are, we are going to fall back into each other’s arms and it terrifies you. And I understand that better than you think.”

 

“There's no point in doing this, Adam. It won't change anything...”

 

“Just. Shut Up.”

 

Kris puts his hands in his pockets and waits. He looks around the street and he had no idea that this was where they had said goodbye, nothing looks familiar. But then Kris always remembers it just looking dark and depressing. There really weren't that many sights to remember.

 

“Do you remember what you said to me that night?”

 

Kris does remember. He remembers everything and he wishes he could erase it all because it would make things so much easier to just walk away from this. But he can't leave Adam, not when he is inching closer and the look on his face is breaking Kris's heart.

 

“You said about how I was when it was just you and me alone, you said that I felt the same way you did. Everything was stripped away and it was the two of us and nothing else, that you could feel everything I was feeling. I didn't hold back. You terrified me, Kris. I was stupid and young and I thought I had something to prove to myself and my friends.”

 

“Where are they now?” Kris says bitterly.

 

“They weren't the people I thought they were. The worst part is I knew exactly what I was doing, letting you walk out of my life that night. I'd found the love of my life and I was too scared to beg you to stay.”

 

Kris is so close to breaking every rule he ever made for himself. The instincts haven't gone away. All he wants to do is pull Adam close to him and forget that he should be angry. “Adam, stop...”

 

“I need to make you understand that this has been hard for me too. That I haven't been the same since you left. Why do you think I did all this? I knew that you came into my life for a reason and I never once stopped believing that I would find you again. I promised myself that when I do, I'd be the person you always knew I could be. I want to prove that to you, Kris...”

 

“You don't need to prove anything to me... I'm not... This won't end the way you think it will. You want me to fall back into your arms and forget everything that happened?”

 

Adam shakes his head. “No! I would never expect that, but you can't hold onto it forever.”

 

“I'm not!”

 

“Then why are you so wound up? You're always so tense when you are around me, like you are doing everything to keep yourself held together.”

 

“Because I'm terrified of you. The exact same way you were of me all those years ago. You broke me, Adam. I loved you and now you tell me that you loved me then too, that you still do now? Why couldn't you have been brave enough back then? We could have lived this together.” Kris points at the bar and steps back, making distance between them.

 

“I wasn't ready. I don't think you were either. It's taken you all this time to figure out what you really want to do. Maybe we weren't meant to be in each other’s lives for that part. Maybe it's now, this moment when we need to be together. I know you still want that...”

 

“Stop telling me that you know what I want.” Kris lurches forward and Adam doesn't move. There would have been a time when Adam's defences would have gone up, when he would be the one backing away, not wanting Kris in his space, not wanting to be seen as vulnerable. But now he just steps closer, letting Kris fill his personal space till there is barely a gap between them.

 

“Stop denying what you want.” Adam is testing him, seeing how he will react. Kris is bordering on punching him and one other option, the one that wins out. He presses his body against Adam and leans up to kiss him. It's familiar and easy, like it hasn't been years since the last time they did this, just minutes. Adam's hands are on his back instantly, pressing their bodies together and Kris can see flickers of all their times together before.

 

He doesn't see the bad things, he just sees Adam. Adam laughing, smiling, his face as he pushes into Kris, the hesitance before leaning in to kiss him. Kris feels like he is seeing it all for the first time and he doesn't know how he missed all the small significant details. Adam used to wake up early and make them both coffee, exactly how Kris liked it. He'd always make sure the cupboards were stocked with things that Kris liked, he'd buy clothes that were exactly Kris's style even though he might hate them himself. So many things that Kris had forgotten and replaced with bad memories.

 

It wasn't an I love you, Adam could never have given that to him back then, but it had been his way of saying it without the words. Despite all the actions that Adam did to prove he didn't love Kris, he gave him all these other things that screamed he did.

 

Adam's fingers are in his hair, deepening the kiss and Kris just lets go. He hasn't been kissed like this in a long time. Even with Josh, with whom he always knew something was missing and this was it. He wasn't Adam. Kris has been fighting it for so long. He refused to believe it was always going to be Adam, and now here it is and it's hard to deny.

 

Kris pulls back and tries to get some space between them but Adam won't let him go and Kris could try and protest but what would be the point? He has already given Adam enough confirmation that he is right. Kris does love Adam, he always has.

 

“I have to go...” Kris steps backwards putting space between himself and Adam. Adam looks lost, his arms empty where Kris was. “It's not that what you're saying isn't true I just...” Kris wipes at his lips, he can still taste Adam and he really wants to finish the kiss Adam started.

 

“No, it's okay. I shouldn't have done that.”

 

“It's not like I put up a lot of protest, Adam.” Kris tries to smile but it seems wrong somehow, he doesn't know how to feel about anything Adam has told him or the fact that he wishes the kiss wasn't over. “I should get back inside, I promised Michelle I'd sing with her and I think you know how she can be...”

 

Adam smiles. “Yeah, I do know.”

 

“I'll see you back in there.” Kris turns away and Adam's brushes his hand against Kris's wrist and then grabs hold of his hand.

 

“This is a start, right?”

 

Kris nods. “Yeah. It's a start.”

 

Adam's hand lingers for a moment longer and then lets go of Kris. Kris expects to hear footsteps behind him but there is nothing. When he looks back, Adam is leaning against the wall again staring up at the sky. There are so many things Kris needs to process from what Adam has said to him. He has so many things he needs to think about. When he gets back into the bar, it’s too crowded and noisy for him to think of anything, Craig sees him from across the room and waves and then points at Jack who is trying to flirt with some girl at the bar. Kris just shakes his head because he knows how that will end.

 

“Where have you been?” Michelle always seems to appear as if out of nowhere. She is smiling at him like she already knows exactly where he was.

 

“Outside.”

 

“With?”

 

“You already know so why are you asking?”

 

“I want to revel in the fact that I was right.” Michelle starts walking toward Craig and Kris follows her. He knows there is no point even trying to fight with her on this. She isn't going to give up until she has details. Michelle sits down on a stool at their table and pats the one next to her. “So come on, spill.”

 

“There isn't that much to tell.”

 

“You know I'm not going to buy that, right?”

 

Kris sighs loudly. “Fine. I went outside to talk to Adam.”

 

“And?”

 

“And nothing. We talked about some things and then I came back in here to say good luck and goodbye to my very annoying friend.”

 

“Okay, okay I take it you aren't going to give me anything specific here so, I will just ask you one question and then you can tell me to back off and then I'll be half way across the country anyway so I won't be here to annoy you anymore.” Michelle smiled and then leaned in closer. “Are you still going to tell me it's nothing when I know for a fact that I saw you outside kissing Adam?”

 

Kris opens his mouth and closes it again. “How do you know that?”

 

“I saw you leave and I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

 

“It's not nothing. But, I don't know if it's something yet. I do know that my best friend is leaving for the most amazing adventure of her life and I want to celebrate with her.”

 

“And I know that my best friend is a big fat avoider.”

 

“I promise I'm not avoiding it. I just... I need some time to get my head around some things, okay?”

 

“Okay. But so you know, just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I don't want to be kept up to date with your life. I'm talking weekly phone calls, daily emails, texts every four hours.”

 

“When exactly do you think you'll have time for all this?”

 

“I'm talking about you to me.”

 

Craig interrupts them with drinks and an update of Jack's failed attempt to flirt with pretty much every woman in the bar. It starts a whole new conversation with plenty of Michelle and Craig bickering like children. It's easy to put everything that went on outside to the back of his mind, especially when Tony comes over and starts asking him questions about what's going on between Craig and Michelle. It's a hard question to answer because for a long time Kris was convinced something would eventually happen between them. Kris tells Tony to ask the pair of them and when he does Craig laughs and Michelle is mortified. Some would say overly defensive about it.

 

The point is Kris is happy to be around his friends. For a long time he felt like he was an outsider looking in at everyone and their happiness. But now he can really feel it, he can feel their happiness and his own. He hasn't laughed so much in a long time, his stomach hurts after half an hour of Tony and Craig endlessly teasing Jack.

 

Kris looks up to see who Jack has moved onto now and he catches Adam's eyes from behind the bar. He is smiling back at him, ignoring pink haired guy who is talking to him. It reminds him of the moment outside. It doesn't bother him like he thought it would, to know Adam is watching him from across the bar. It doesn't alter the smile on his face; in fact, if anything, it makes it grow wider.

 

\--

 

It's a slow day at the store. Craig has a day off and those days are generally quiet and Kris normally uses them to get the paperwork done. But he is all up to date and they won't have any new stock in until the afternoon. Not that their deliveries are exactly large, it will take him and Jack about an hour to put everything out. The job really can be quite tedious at times. Jack and Craig are the only two things that make it even slightly enjoyable. When Tony has days off work, he usually comes down and spends the day with them but it's one of the days when he does have to work so everything is going slow.

 

Jack left to get the coffee half an hour ago and that means he stopped at the book store on the corner to flirt with the girl who works in there. Kris doesn't mind too much, it means he can put on whatever music he wants without having to have a huge debate about it. Jack and Craig spend far too much time arguing about music and not enough time just listening to it.

 

He puts on Coldplay because he can never listen to them in the store without Craig and Jack talking and bitching until he has to turns it off. He spent a majority of last night on the phone with Michelle, their first official weekly phone conversation since she left. Mostly she was angry because he had nothing new to tell her on the Adam front and she spent a lot of time giving him inspirational speeches about doing the right thing. He didn't have the heart to tell her it was a waste of time because he knew that already.

 

He hasn't been avoiding Adam, in fact when they performed at the bar he looked for Adam but couldn't see him there all night. He just assumed that even the owner must need time off every now and then. He will admit to being slightly disappointed on not seeing him there. The problem with that is it contradicts the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. He desperately wants to believe Adam, but he can't help but feel there are still so many questions left unanswered.

 

The bell rings above the door and it's probably Jack coming back deflated and with cold coffee. When Kris looks up, he sees Adam looking around the store, admiring the many posters plastered to the ceiling and walls.

 

“Hi.”

 

Adam looks at him and smiles. “Hi.”

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“I had something I wanted to ask you and I figured seeing as I missed you at the bar the other night, I'd come here. Michelle said this place was awesome, she wasn't kidding.”

 

Kris looks around and yeah sure it looks great but maybe he is looking at it with employee eyes, so he can't be quite as enthusiastic about it. “It's awesome if you don't work here.”

 

“You don't like it?” Adam moves closer to the counter, leaning against it and coming face to face with Kris.

 

“It's not that I don't like it. I just... I want more for my life.”

 

Adam nods. “I get it. When I first started working at the bar, I never imagined one day I'd own it but when the previous owner said she was planning on selling... I don't know it felt like the right thing to do. The people that work there really care about it and it's like a little family now... sorry you didn't ask to hear all that.”

 

“That's okay. It's nice to... it's nice to hear about how you ended up there.”

 

“Well, that is a long story.” Adam smiles looking up at the clock behind Kris's head. “One which I really wish I had time to tell you. I have to be back at the bar...”

 

“It's alright. You can tell me later. We have time.”

 

“We do?”

 

Kris nods. It's a promise Kris isn't entirely sure he can keep but he knows that he wants to give Adam the chance to explain everything. He is realising slowly that things happen for a reason and maybe Adam is meant to be in his life. He doesn't have to decide how right now, all he has to do is follow the feeling telling him that he likes talking to Adam like he is right now. No pain, just real.

 

“So, I came here to ask if you and the guys feel like performing on Saturdays too? I got someone to take Michelle's Tuesday night spot but I couldn't think of anyone more perfect than you guys to take Saturday. You can still keep the midweek gig too if you want.”

 

“Yeah! I mean, I'll have to check with them all but I can't see why they wouldn't want to.”

 

“Great. Maybe you can give me a call? Let me know.”

 

Kris pulls some post it notes out from under a pile of magazines and hands them to Adam with a pen. Adam smiles as he scribbles his number down. He peels it off and folds it in half, placing it in Kris's front pocket. “Do you still lose things all the time?”

 

“No.” Except he really does, it's a battle across the furniture every morning to remember where he put the keys.

 

Adam laughs again and shakes his head. “I better go. I'll see you Saturday hopefully?”

 

“I'll be there... I mean I can't see them saying no but even if the guys can't do Saturday, I'll still come if you  
want?”

 

“Sure. Maybe we could talk some more or...”

 

“I'd like that.”

 

Adam waves him goodbye and looks around the store one more time before leaving. Kris stares at the door for a long time, it's only Jack coming back in with the coffee that snaps him out of it. Jack looks at him oddly and mumbles something about girls being cruel and switches off Coldplay.

 

Kris takes the folded up post it out of his pocket and looks down at the scribble of Adam's handwriting. It's still as untidy as Kris remembers it being. He thinks it's weird that he would remember something so small as Adam's handwriting, but it's familiar and staring back at him. He remembers it from notes left on the fridge, or Adam's to do lists left out on the coffee table.

 

He has been remembering smaller things more and more about Adam recently. He spent so much time focusing on all of the bad memories that somewhere mixed in between there was actually some good. They seemed so irrelevant back then when they held no real significance but it's all Kris can think about now. When Adam went shopping, he would buy Kris's favourite type of crackers and full fat milk even though he hated them both. He'd scribble down notes on the margin of Kris's notebook when he really liked a certain lyric Kris had written. He would sing softly to himself when he was cleaning the apartment and then start dancing when he saw that Kris was watching.

 

“What are you smiling at?” Kris had been too lost in his thoughts he didn't even hear Jack come from out back.

 

“Nothing. Hey... I have the best news about the gig at Adam's bar.”

 

–

 

As it turns out, the other guys are all over the top excited about the Saturday night gig. Even Tony who is always so calm about pretty much everything. Kris has been hiding out in the office for about half an hour planning what to say for his phone call to Adam. He has no idea why he is so nervous. Adam is expecting his call and all he really has to say is “Saturdays are on.” His hand is offering over the first digit of Adam's number when Craig bursts into the office.

 

“Have you called him yet?”

 

“I've been doing some paper work.”

 

“You've been sitting here staring at the phone for half an hour, you loser.”

 

Kris puts his phone down on the desk next to the post it note with Adam's number. “What's the problem here, Kris?”

 

“There's not a problem.”

 

“Then call him! All you have to say is I'm an idiot for not agreeing to it straight away and waiting two days to call you and yes.”

 

“I wanted to check with you guys first.”

 

“Okay so you've checked. Now call him.” Craig isn't going to leave until he sees Kris dialling the number and saying hello to Adam. “You like him?”

 

“You know we have history.”

 

“I do know that but this isn't about your history, this is about the band.”

 

“You're right.”

 

“You've been telling me that a lot recently. I like hearing it.” Craig smiles and taps his foot against the floor waiting for Kris to start dialling. “Is there something going on with you and Adam though?”

 

“No, I don't know... not really. It's complicated.”

 

“It always is.” Craig smiles. “If you need someone to talk to, I know Michelle left and she was your go to girl for heart to hearts but I'm here for you.”

 

“You want to be my go to girl?” Kris laughs.

 

“Only if you want me, baby.” Craig puts on a flirty voice and leaves the office before Kris has the chance to kick him out. Kris repeats the same words over and over again as he makes the call; it's for the band, no reason to be awkward, it's for the band. Shit.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hi, Adam. It's Kris.”

 

“Hey.” It doesn't help that Adam's voice seems to get softer when he realises it's Kris. “You okay?”

 

“Yeah, ahm. I just called to say that the guys are all in for Saturdays.”

 

“That's great! I'll put you for starting at 9 is that okay?”

 

Kris nods, stupidly and to no one. “Yeah.”

 

“I was beginning to think you weren't going to call.” Adam laughs, Kris can hear an edge to it, something saying that Adam was expecting him not to.

 

It's not like he can say things got busy at the store, Adam has been there now and just from that one visit it had to be pretty obvious. “Yeah, I didn't see Tony until today so...”

 

Kris is an idiot. And a liar. He called Tony and asked him last night. He just refuses to admit he was being a chicken.

 

“So I was thinking, I know you are playing tomorrow night but I thought maybe we could go out tonight? For coffee or dinner... or not.” Adam sounds nervous and it calms Kris in a small way because at least he isn't totally alone.

 

“Sure. I mean... dinner would be great.”

 

“Really?” Kris can picture Adam's smiling as he says the word. “Great, okay well I can pick you up if you want. There's this really great new Italian place, I went there with my friend Sophia and we both loved it. It should be pretty quiet in the week so you know... we can talk...”

 

Kris gets the feeling that Adam thinks if he keeps talking then Kris won't be able to change his mind or something. There are so many sides to Adam he remembers, but the nervous, blabbering one is not. He kind of likes it.

 

“Adam, breath.”

 

“Sorry, I do this thing where I ramble now... apparently.”

 

Kris is keeping himself in check that he doesn't start rambling back, instead he rushes to give Adam his address and then tells him to be there at seven thirty. Now all Kris has to do is get through the afternoon with Tony, Jack and Craig. It should keep him focused; they want to add two new covers to the set on Saturday and it's bound to involve a lot of distracting conversation.

 

–

 

It turns out that spending the afternoon talking music was the perfect distraction for Kris. So much so that he lost track of time and didn't leave the store till six. Now he is frantically running around trying to get ready after a too quick shower. He hopes that Adam's ability to arrive half an hour late for everything is still the same, because this would be one time he could use it.

 

Of course that would be far too easy and Kris hears a knock at the door at 7:15, he throws on the first shirt he can find in his closet and ruffles his hair a little and hopes he looks presentable enough for dinner. Adam looks as immaculate as always, his hair slicked back of his face, minimum make-up and dressed head to toe in black.

 

“Hi.” Kris steps aside and holds the door open letting Adam walk past him into the living room. “Let me just grab a jacket.”

 

Kris leaves Adam looking around at the photographs on the wall and rushes into his room to pick up the jacket he threw on the floor when he got in from work. When he goes back, Adam is holding one of the framed pictures from the bookshelf.

 

“Are you and Josh still friends?” Adam's face is expressionless.

 

“I don't know if I can say we're at the friends stage yet but, we talk every now and then. I'd like to think that someday we could be.”

 

Adam nods and puts the picture down. “You want to head out?”

 

It shifted so quickly that Kris didn't realise this had turned into something else. This isn't just about the two of them meeting up to talk, this is about the starting over again. This is a date. Kris knows that maybe it should feel strange that it's fallen into that territory, but they have to start from somewhere and if this is where they are naturally heading he thinks he should trust it.

 

–

 

Despite a slight chill, it’s dry out and they decide to walk. It only takes about ten minutes and Kris had been worried he wouldn't know where to start with talking to Adam. He feels like if he tries to force everything all at once it just won't work. Adam asks him how long he has lived in his apartment, about his job and his friends. He is still asking Kris questions when they sit down for dinner. Kris supposes the few times they have spoken recently it's been more of Adam telling Kris about his life, so now Adam wants to know about Kris. It's different and Kris isn't used to such an attentive Adam. He laughs, and asks questions and seems genuinely interested in everything Kris has to say. They are half way through dinner when Kris realises all the talk has been about himself.

 

“I can't remember the last time I talked about myself so much.”

 

“I guess I've been throwing questions at you. I just wanted to catch up with your life, you're still the same and yet I don't know... different. It's like you know exactly what you want and you're going to do everything you can to get it.”

 

“Believe me that is a recent change.” Kris plays with the pasta on his plate. “For a long time I just floated along with my life. I wasn't unhappy or anything, I love my friends and my job as much I complain about it. I felt like something was missing though and the music helps with that. In fact I think it's the answer that was there all along.”

 

“Watching you on stage, I can see that. The way you connect to the music, it's beautiful.”

 

Kris smiles against his glass of water as he takes a sip. He played a few times for Adam when they lived together but he never got much of a reaction. It was usually when Adam was impatient for them to leave the house or when Adam was avoiding the lyrics in Kris's songs that were blatantly about him.

 

“I remember this one night, it was when I had been working in that awful clothes store... you remember?” Adam says pushing his plate away and leaning forward slightly.

 

“I remember that place, the woman who owned it only wanted to sell pink clothes right?”

 

“Yep, that's the one.” Adam shakes his head. “She was a slave driver as well, my first week there I was exhausted. I woke up in the middle of the night, probably a nightmare about some pink ensemble she was threatening to put me in. When I came downstairs you were on the sofa, just in your jeans, playing your guitar. I sat on the floor in the door way and listened to you for like half an hour. Sometimes it was just the guitar, and then you'd start singing. I wanted to tell you how amazing you were, I never told you that. And I should have.”

 

Kris pushes his plate away and leans back slightly. “Why didn't you?”

 

“Because I was an idiot.” Adam smiles, his fingers skimming around the top of his empty wine glass. When he looks up at Kris, his face is serious. “I was afraid of what it would mean. I wasn't good at dealing with anything slightly emotional and when I listened to your music, your lyrics, I knew what they were about and so it was just this part of being with you that I avoided. Along with the rest.”

 

Their waiter comes and clears their plates away and Kris mumbles something about not wanting anything else, his eyes never leaving Adam. “It's taken me a long time but not everything I remember is bad.”

 

“I've always remembered everything. I used to look at it as my way of being punished.” Kris is about to say something in protest but Adam holds up his hands. “I don't see it that way now, but when you first left I did. It was like all these memories were on constant replay in my head and with all the good ones there would be something bad that I did as well.”

 

“Do you... why do you think you did those things? I know why I let you, why I let myself. I loved you so much, I was crazy with it.”

 

“It's weird but my reason is the same as yours. I know that sounds awful, I loved you and yet I could treat you like that? But, and I've talked this over a lot and you are about to get the conclusion that me and my therapist came too.” Adam smiles at that. “I wanted to test the people I had in my life, see how far I could push them until they'd just walk away. I've always been strong, I had to be for my mom and my brother growing up and it carried over and my guard hardly ever came down. Then you came into my life and decided to test that and I wanted to feel that weakness of letting myself go to another person. But I'd already formed this habit of putting up these walls. Looking back at those things, I can remember the thought process that I had. This continual mantra I had going telling myself to not let you in. It didn't always work though, sometimes I'd slip. The pathetic thing is those moments when I did was the happiest I'd ever felt. I've tried for a long time to understand why I fought it so hard.”

 

“You were scared.”

 

“I was. It doesn't justify it, but I was. It took me a long time to deal with the things I did and let them go.”

 

“Me too.” Kris leans forward, he hadn't even realised that the restaurant was nearly cleared out. He has no sense of how long they had been sitting here talking, it feels like only minutes.

 

“You remember how we met?”

 

Adam laughs loudly, breaking the slight tension between them. “Like I could forget. You looked so cute, all long hair and plaid shirts.”

 

“My second day in a new city and I end up in the middle of a gay pride walk.”

 

“It was clearly fate.”

 

“That or you jumping in the fountain...”

 

“I was pushed!” It's the same story Adam always sticks too and Kris can't help but laugh even though he is sure the truth of it is that Adam jumped in.

 

“It's the only time anyone has ever come up to me in the street and told me they were about to take all their clothes off.”

 

“You're just bitter about that because I didn't keep my promise of streaking through the streets.”

 

“Not that day, but I'm pretty sure it happened at some point.”

 

Their laughter faded out and Kris couldn't exactly make out Adam's expression but for a moment it feels like they were back there. Two strangers who didn't have a clue what was about to happen to their lives, maybe Adam wishes he was back there that he could do things differently. Adam is looking around nervously, anywhere but back at Kris. The waiters are standing around impatiently behind the bar. It is just him and Adam in the restaurant. “I guess we should go.”

 

Adam's words come out more like a question than anything else, there is a reluctance there that Kris feels as well. Like neither of them really wants the night to be over. “Sure.” Kris smiles and motions at the waiter to come over. It takes nearly five minutes for him and Adam to agree who would pay the bill, eventually they decide on splitting it.

 

“Want me to walk you home?” Kris tries not to sound too enthusiastic as he asks but he really isn’t that good at playing it cool.

 

“Sure, it's not far anyway.”

 

They walk most of the way in silence, Kris occasionally asking questions about why Adam decided to live so close to the bar.

 

“Just convenient you know? I'm there nearly every night working and I'm close by for the deliveries during the day. Besides, there's something nice about being so close. For a long time that place has felt like home to me. I used to go in there a lot before I started working there, the owner Lola and I got to be... friends I guess.” Adam laughs. “Sorry do you even want to hear this?”

 

“Adam... come on, you know I do.”

 

“Right... yeah. Anyway, she used to get really mad at me but I can't really blame her. I was such a mess, I'd go in there wasted and high, I lost count how many times she threatened to throw me out.”

 

“Just threatened?”

 

“I think she felt sorry for me, she told me before she left that she had this thing for taking in strays... which is how I ended up living with her and working for her.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“It was just the usual night for me; I got fired from my job at this crappy restaurant, my mom had called and was trying to help me and I was pissed at her for intruding in my life, which she wasn't at all. She was just being my mom. James came over before we went out... you remember James?”

 

Kris nods. “Yeah, I remember James.” Like he could ever forget the sight of James laid flat out on their couch, Adam between his legs.

 

“Shit... sorry, I...”

 

“It's okay, honestly.” Kris smiles. “Carry on.”

 

“I don't know what he gave me, he said it was E but you never really know. I was such a jackass, by the time I got to Lola's I was completely out of it. To be honest, I don't remember much of the night, only what Lola told me and believe me she told me in excruciating detail all the things I'd done, all the things she had seen me do, not just that night but all the nights I'd been in there. I was mortified and mostly... embarrassed. I felt like a joke, one of those people you laugh at for being so out of control. It took me a really long time to get over that, sometimes I think about it and it's like it was a completely different person.”

 

“That's a good thing though right? I mean... you recognised that you weren't happy with how you were and you changed it. I think that's pretty brave.”

 

“I know what you mean. I didn't feel all that brave at the time, but now... it was so hard to pull myself out of this life that I was used to living. Lola gave me a job and a place to live but it came with all these promises I had to make and at the time, I just felt like they were sacrifices, that I had to give up all the things I loved. Like my friends, who at the time I didn't even really understand weren't my friends at all. They left me there that night, a mess and upset, I knew it wasn't their responsibility to take care of me but... now when I look back it's so easy for me to see what I was to them. She gave me my life back.”

 

“She just gave you the push, you did it.”

 

“The work was brutal, you know? I think she thought she had to occupy me 24/7. I'd start work at 12 in the afternoon and I wouldn't finish until 2 in the morning. I was exhausted every single day and spent most of Sunday catching up on sleep. She made me save money. Me? Who lived of crackers and juice for nearly a whole year of my life. I never knew what it was like to have money that you could spend on yourself towards things that you needed rather than just wanted. “

 

“How did you end up owning the bar?”

 

“Lola had this crazy dream of moving to a Greek island and opening a restaurant selling different foods from all over the world. She went to Rhodes every year and had all these friends out there. She'd been working her whole life saving up all this money and one day she woke up and decided she was sick of talking about it. When she started talking about selling the bar I went into panic mode, I felt like my security net was being pulled out from under me. She laughed at first when I told her I wanted to buy it off her but she knew how much I love the place, I think that's what swayed her in the end. She sold it to me at a ridiculously low price, I think the actual conversation was her asking me how much money I had saved, which I replied with like $1536 and she said sold. She sold me the bar and the apartment and I remember feeling very unworthy and petrified of the whole thing.”

 

“Well she wasn't wrong to trust you, look at you now.”

 

Adam nods. “It feels good to have proven her right. It took a lot of time though, changing things slowly. I had all this inspiration of what I wanted the bar to be and look like but I had zero funding so I was completely relying on sticking to what the club was and making a profit. Then slowly I brought new stuff in, like the live bands and we have themed nights every now and then.”

 

“Can't fully take out the party boy then?” Kris smiles.

 

“I guess not.” Adam nudges him. “The decorating took so long though, and it was so frustrating so I had to do it bit by bit. Being closed for a long period of time just didn't work. So when I finally had the money I got the bars refurbished first and that took a week and it killed me just sitting around watching with barely anything to do. Normally people would enjoy having a week off work, I went crazy. The rest was purely decoration though, so I roped all the staff in for five days, paid them all and we managed to get it done. I still have no idea how it ended up looking as good as it does because we were all frantically running around praying we didn't screw it all up. I sent Lola pictures after we were finished, I'm still not sure if she was amazed or mad at me.”

 

It feels good to hear Adam talking about something so passionately, Kris literally can’t take his eyes off Adam as they walk along the street. It's quiet as they turn down the small alley way towards Adam's apartment.

 

“I just spent the entire walk home talking about myself, didn't I?” Adam throws his hand up to his face.

 

“I wanted to know, and it was... I liked hearing you talk like that. It feels good to know how you got here.”

 

“It feels really good to share it with you.”

 

It isn’t really that late. Kris can see the door to Adam's bar just across from them and he wonders if after they say their goodbyes if Adam would be over there working. “Are you going over to the bar later?”

 

“Nope. It's my night off. I have them... occasionally.”

 

“I guess I'll see you Saturday then?”

 

Adam nods. “Yeah.”

 

Kris isn’t really aware that he is edging towards Adam or the fact that Adam is doing the same toward him. It just feels like too much space between them after everything they had said tonight. Adam's arm reaches out hesitantly towards Kris's waist, hovering there as Adam speaks. “Is this... I mean, is this okay?”

 

Kris nods. He feels like anything he says right now would come out in a jumble of words. It's definitely one thing that hasn't changed, the effect Adam could have over him. There is something so familiar about it all, the way Adam's smell hit him before anything else, the way their bodies just seem to fit together perfectly and yet underneath all of that he feels more of an urgency from Adam, this desperate need for him to be close to Kris.

 

It isn’t like the last time they had kissed, angry and fast. This is slow building and burning Kris from the inside out. Adam's lips move slow against his, taking his time to savour the feel of their lips pressed against each other. Kris's hands are placed low on Adam's hips, Adam's are wrapped tightly in Kris's hair, his fingers digging in slightly each time the kiss deepened. They stay like that for a long time, bodies close together, lips touching lips and when Adam opens his mouth slightly and tilts his head it is all the encouragement Kris needs.

 

His hands grip on tighter to Adam, and he feels like his whole body has suddenly been jolted with electricity bringing him to life. He moves with Adam in such a perfected way; it is like they had never stopped doing this. This had never been the problem, physically it always felt like there was something just pulling them together.

 

Kris pulls away eventually, breathless. Adam's eyes are still closed as he pulls back, his lips wet and apart slightly. Kris coughs quietly and Adam's eyes open. “Right... so Saturday?”

 

Kris laughs and nods, leaning into Adam one more time to kiss him on the cheek. He lingers there for a moment, liking the way Adam's hand pressed against the bottom of his back for a few seconds. He walks away slowly, refusing to look back and see if Adam is watching him walk away. When he gets to the end of the alleyway, just before he steps out on the main street he looks back, just once and Adam is still standing there, watching him.

 

–

 

It turns out Saturday takes ages to roll around, which is very frustrating especially when Kris has three people pestering him about how his date went. Jack is the easiest to get rid of, he just asks Kris how it went and Kris says fine and that is that. Tony wants a few specifics, where they went, what the food was like, did he walk Kris home, so even that really is not so bad. But Craig? Craig is a different story all together.

 

He wants to know all kinds of crazy details, a long comprehensive list of all the topics of discussions they had and how Kris feels about them all. The thing is it's really hard to ignore Craig because he is a persistent little shit who only takes breaks from asking questions when he is eating or if there is a customer in the store. Craig only eats at lunch and they average 4 customers a day. So there are a lot of questions. Also, a lot of awkward silences.

 

“Kris, you are giving me nothing here. I'm your friend and I think it's my right to know all the details of your love life.”

 

“Why can't you just go get your own love life like normal people?”

 

“Stop turning it around on me. Besides, relationships are all complicated and domestic and staying in on Saturday nights and meeting parents. Would you take me home to meet your parents?”

 

“You have met my parents. And I'm pretty sure my mom is in love with you.”

 

“Score. Guess I don't need to focus on my love life anymore if I can get lucky with your mom.”

 

Kris swears he is about to hit something. Preferably Craig's face. “Don't talk about my mom.”

 

“Okay. You know what we should talk about? Adam.”

 

Kris closes the notebook in front of him and turns to face Craig who is sitting up on the counter, opening and closing the cash register. Kris slams it shut abruptly. “Fine. He picked me up and we went for Italian. Really amazing food, he asked me some questions about my life, and I asked him some about his. We talked, we laughed and we kissed each other goodnight.”

 

“That's a pathetic attempt at re-telling your evening.”

 

“You asked, I told you.”

 

“No, Kris. You did not. Look, I just want to make sure you are okay. This was a big deal for you I mean, you spent like an hour staring at the phone before you called him the other day and I know how much he hurt you before.”

 

“It was... nice.”

 

“Nice? That's worst than the last attempt.”

 

“It was good to hear his story you know? To hear about him and his life.”

 

Craig nods and picks up one of the pens from the counter and twirls it around his fingers. “Hmm...”

 

“Hmm what?”

 

“Do you really think he's changed?” It isn’t an accusation, just curiosity. All Craig knows of Adam is the brief stories Kris had revealed to him, but it had been enough to leave an impression.

 

“I really do.”

 

“Okay. That's good.” Craig jumps down off the counter. “I know we've met him before and you know I like the guy but you should introduce us formally you know, as your friends and not just your band mates.”

 

“What?” Kris is 100% sure that Craig has never done anything formally before in his life. “Would you like me to line you up and introduce you one by one...”

 

“Don't be a jackass. I just mean after our set tomorrow, ask him to sit down and have a drink with us or something. I promise to not be embarrassing.”

 

“Don't lie.”

 

“Fine. I promise to try and not be embarrassing.”

 

Somehow the conversation ends with Kris agreeing to ask Adam to have a drink with them. He is really hoping on Adam saying that he is just too busy and it would have to be another time.

 

–

 

Adam isn’t too busy though. Well, he is busy but apparently he has more than enough staff to cover the bar and the floor. He even throws in a free round of drinks and delivers them to the table along with himself. Kris is still running on energy from performing, having a larger crowd really is amazing. There is something about looking out across the bar and seeing a sea of faces rather than just a few scattered people at random tables. The crowd seemed to like them too. Kris was worried they might be too mellow for Saturday night entertainment but Craig's idea of adding in a T-Rex cover and a more upbeat original song Tony had written worked fantastically. Something that Craig is sure to remind them of for a long time.

 

Kris smiles widely at Adam when he places his drink down in front of him and ignores Craig's obvious stares from across the table. Craig holds up his drink highly. “Well, I think it's safe to say tonight was a success. Jack didn't throw up before the show, Tony was his usual mellow self, Kris didn't fall off the stage...”

 

“It was one time...” Kris interrupts.

 

“... and I was as brilliant as ever.”

 

Adam leans in close to Kris and whispers in his ear. “Is he always like that?”

 

“Pretty much.” Kris laughs.

 

“I heard that.” Craig shouts from across the table. “I promised Kris I'd be on my best behaviour in front of you but now I'm not so sure...”

 

“Shut up, Craig.” Tony mutters into his beer. “If you keep talking I'm going to have to bring up how I caught you singing along to Christina Aguilera the other day.”

 

“I love Christina Aguilera!” Adam practically squeals it across the table at Craig who looks part pissed off at Tony and part terrified. Kris just laughs, he can see that Adam's eclectic music tastes haven't changed. “Have you seen her new video? So amazing.”

 

Craig mutters something like no into his beer and sulks for five minutes. Jack starts talking to Adam about his inspiration for some art work for the band. Jack has spent a lot of time over the last few days shut away in the office doodling on the back of used note books. Jack is thinking long term and he wants a cool kind of logo for the drums. Craig apparently thinks that because they are his drums he gets the deciding vote on all artwork; mostly they just nod and agree with him because it's easier than arguing.

 

Jack is in full inspiration mode as he doodles an example down on one of the napkins and Adam looks completely interested in what Jack is saying. To be fair, it's easy to get pulled into Jack's crazy mind. He has fantastic ideas and even though a lot of the time he is very quiet when he does speak, it's usually because he has something important and special to say.

 

Craig's sulk comes to an end and he hovers over Jack's shoulder looking down on the doodles. Usually it's the start of an argument between the two of them but instead Craig points to one he likes and Jack is so startled he nearly falls off his chair. Tony and his girlfriend are huddled on one chair together because she has been working away for two weeks and tonight is their reunion. Kris is positive they won't be here much longer. Adam is watching Craig and Jack converse, excitedly and animated.

 

Kris nudges into him. “Thanks.”

 

“What for?” Adam tilts his head.

 

“Hanging out with me and my crazy friends.”

 

“Your friends are amazing.”

 

Kris smiles and looks around the table, because actually yeah despite how much he might bitch and moan about them sometimes, they really are amazing.

 

“Speaking of...” Adam says happily. “Michelle called me this morning.”

 

“Yeah, she called me last night.”

 

“Did she ask you hundreds of questions about our date... it was a date right?”

 

Kris laughs. “Yes, it was a date and yes she did ask me a whole bunch of questions. I think at one point, she was taking notes.”

 

Craig taps the table to get their attention. “She was taking notes. She called me and we talked this afternoon.”

 

“You two are like a pair of old women.” Kris shakes his head.

 

“I'll be sure to pass it onto Michelle that you think she looks like an old woman.”

 

“That's not even what I said...”

 

“Yeah but it'll be how I heard it in the story I tell her.”

 

The problem is Craig just thinks he is so funny and everyone laughing along just encourages him to think it even more.

 

“Are Craig and Michelle together?” Adam asks Kris quietly.

 

“I thought for a long time that they would be. But I think it's one of those things that will grow, neither of them are ready for it right now, I don't think.”

 

“Like we weren't all those years ago?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Are you...”

 

Adam gets cut off by Tony's chair moving. Finally the pair of them feel they have spent enough time hanging out and just want to be with each other. Kris kind of knows the feeling. As much as he loves being here with his friends, he wishes he was just somewhere with Adam, talking like they were the other night, about everything and memories.

 

“Hey.” Adam's fingers brush along his arm and Kris is suddenly right back there in the moment, so aware of Adam touching him. “I'm off now for the rest of the night. Have you eaten? We can go back to my place if you want?”

 

There really is no way Kris is going to say no, even though perhaps he should show a little reluctance he can't seem to hold it in. He slips off his chair and waves a goodbye to Jack and Craig who barely register their leaving because they are too invested in their conversation.

 

–

 

Adam's apartment is warm and bright, everything that Kris expected it to be. It's small but it has everything Adam needs. The front door leads right into the kitchen and straight through to the living room. One wall is completely made of red bricks and scattered across it are photographs of Adam and his family, there's a woman in a few of the photographs that Kris doesn't recognise. Dark brown afro and smiling eyes. “Is that Lola?”

 

“Yeah.” Adam responds from the kitchen. “She has this thing about taking pictures no matter the day or occasion. I blame her for my obsession with it.”

 

Kris moves further into the living room. It has too small sofas side by side at an angle with a coffee table in front, underneath it are different coloured boxes, with photo albums in them.

 

“Are all of those full of pictures?” Kris points down to boxes as Adam comes through with two coffees for them.

 

“Yeah, mostly.”

 

“Wow. You weren't kidding.”

 

“I think it's because there's so much that I can't remember and I have no record of any of it. I pissed Neil off for a long time when I got my camera. I still do.”

 

Kris smiles and sits down on the sofa. There are two large windows directly in front of him; Adam's apartment is right on the top floor so the view over the city is beautiful from up here. “This place is amazing.”

 

“I know right? It's like the perfect location. You'd think being in the middle of all these buildings the view wouldn't be anything like that but it's just that bit higher so you get this perfect view.”

 

Kris places his coffee down on the table and settles back into the sofa. He turns his head and shuffles closer to Adam as he sits down. It's the first time Kris has really looked closely at Adam's face -- he looks older in a lot of ways but there is still that same smile, full of life and curiosity. He doesn’t wear as much make-up as he used to; there is still a thin layer of foundation and a subtle dark line under his eye, but it is all scaled back.

 

“You're not as... I don't know, every day used to be one big make over for you and now you're different. It's not bad different, I just wonder... do you miss it?”

 

Adam smiles and leans forward, searching through the pile of photo albums, pulling out two bright purple ones. He flips one open on the table and Kris moves closer to Adam to see. As Adam flicks through the pages, he describes all the theme nights there had been at the bar. Rocky Horror Picture Show, Drag, dress as your favourite Spice Girl, Diva's... the list goes on through both photo albums and in each of them Adam is dressed up just like every one else, smiling and laughing.

 

“I'm still me. That side is a big part of who I am and I won't ever lose it. I've just learnt to use it in a way that isn't destructive. When I was growing up I was so mad at myself for being different. I felt like if there was just something I could do to change who I was and what I don't think I ever really figured out until recently is that it's okay that I'm different. I don't need to punish myself for that, I just needed to embrace it.”

 

Kris shakes his head and stares down at Adam in the photo album, a long purple wig and a face full of make-up blowing a kiss into the camera.

 

“What?” Adam asks flipping the photo album shut.

 

“Nothing. Just... what can you say to that?”

 

Adam smiles and moves the photo albums back underneath the coffee table, then turns to face Kris. “I have a feeling there's something you want to ask me.”

 

“It's not so much ask really, I just... I want to talk about it.”

 

“Okay.” Adam puts his drink down by the side of Kris's. “Shoot.”

 

“The night I performed with Michelle and you were at the bar drinking...” Kris could see the realisation hit Adam straight away, it is like his whole body slumped forward. “No... I'm not asking to make you feel bad okay? I just...”

 

“You want to know why?”

 

Kris nods.

 

“I wish I had the perfect answer for you, but I don't. I know that's a terrible answer... I slipped. I saw you performing up there and it was like something snapped inside of me. All of a sudden I was that guy again, all those things I did to you... when I got out on the street with that guy I realised what I was doing and I was so mad at myself. The guy got pissed and I came back inside to try and find you but you were gone. Not that I blame you...”

 

“That's it.”

 

“What?”

 

“I just... I wanted to know. I mean, I knew it was a slip up. From what you've told me over the last few days I know enough to know that's not you anymore. But I was insecure enough to hold onto it.”

 

“I know it's going to take time, for both of us.”

 

“Time... I don't even think it's that. I've realised something... you're supposed to be in my life.”

 

Adam smiles. “I'm okay with that.”

 

Kris turns his body to face Adam's more and then falls back against the sofa, reaching out to Adam asking him to follow. Their faces are inches apart and Kris is happy to let time pass by and lay there staring at Adam.

 

“When I spoke to Michelle this morning I asked about this thing... well it's something I wanted to tell you about but I didn't know how to I guess...”

 

“You can tell me.” Kris reaches out and holds onto Adam's hand, watching as their fingers entwine.

 

“It's more... show you.”

 

Adam let's go and moves away, Kris has to suppress his disappointment that he is no longer touching Adam. But it's not long before Adam is back and placing a small box in his lap. “I just want you to know I spent a lot of time hiding this away and being angry or embarrassed by it and now I feel like if anything happened to it, I'd be lost. It's sentimental and...”

 

“Shh.” Kris smiles. “Nothing’s going to jump out at me, is it?”

 

Adam laughs. “No.”

 

Kris leans forward with the box on his lap. He hadn't noticed at first but on top of the blue box there is a sticker with Kris written in Adam's scribbled handwriting. Kris runs his finger across the top and then steals a look at Adam. Adam's eyes are fixed on Kris's fingers still running across the sticker.

 

“What is this?”

 

“It's... open it.”

 

Kris opens the box and at first it just looks like crumpled up pieces of paper, but when he looks closer he can make out his own handwriting on a few. There are about five pieces of paper crumpled and folded up, he pulls them out one by one and reads them to himself. They are lyrics he had scribbled down, some of them he recognises as something that turned into actual songs from just these scribbles. Some of them he doesn't remember at all but he can feel a wave of inspiration as he reads them.

 

When he looks up again, Adam is still watching Kris's hands grasping onto the paper. Kris puts them aside on the table and then pulls out nine or ten pictures. Kris has plenty of pictures of him and Adam, but nothing like this, there is something entirely different about this pictures. There are some of them kissing, some of Adam looking at Kris while he is turned away, some of them staring at each other. There are actually 14 all together-- 14 pictures of him and Adam that he has never seen before, and didn't even realise that he wanted them in his life until right now. He stops at the final one: Adam's hands are splayed across Kris's face, their lips are pressed lightly together and the intensity radiating from just the picture is insane.

 

There's an old guitar pick in the box, Kris's smiley face key ring and a pack of cards with naked men on the back that he bought Adam. There's a silver chain that Kris used to wear all the time, a cinema ticket from the first movie they saw together and then finally, underneath it all are the wrist bands they wore that first day on the gay pride walk. They are wrapped around each other; Adam's pale blue mixing with the light pink of Kris's.

 

“What...”

 

“I didn't know whether to tell you. Michelle found it before she left and she kept on telling me to tell you about it but I didn't want to just use it for... I wanted you to realise what it meant to me to have you in my life before I showed you this. I spent too much time fighting with how I felt and hiding this away like I was ashamed of it. But I'm proud of loving you then and I'm proud of loving you now.”

 

The box really is kind of irrelevant. There could have been one picture in there of Kris but it still would have held exactly the same meaning. It's just the thought that Adam wanted to keep it, that Kris meant enough to him that he wanted to hold onto the memories forever. He never really understood why people kept these kind of things, but he can see for Adam, it was something much more. It was an inner fight for how he felt for Kris and how he didn't want to feel. He kept a box full of reminders of why he loved him and put on a front that he didn't.

 

“Please say something, Kris.”

 

“I love you. I mean you already knew that... and it's not because of this box. Although, this is... I can't believe you have this guitar pick and my necklace. I was so mad when I came back to pick up my stuff I knew I'd left things behind but I just thought you'd get rid of them or...”

 

“I threw out the shirts you left behind.”

 

“That's because you most probably thought they were ugly.”

 

“They were ugly.”

 

Kris clears the box off his lap and puts everything away. He places the lid over it and stares down at his name.

 

“Is it worse now?”

 

“Is what worse?”

 

“That I kept all this stuff all those years ago and...”

 

“No, it's not worse. It's good to know. I always knew you loved me, it just hurt so much to watch you try and prove me wrong.”

 

“It won't be like that this time.”

 

“I know that it won't.”

 

Kris kicks off his shoes and lies back against the sofa, his arms stretched out to Adam who finally seems to get Kris's idea. Adam unties his boots and pulls them off and then lies down in the empty space of Kris's arms. Kris lifts his legs up to lay them flat out under Adam's and then they seem to instinctively entwine together their bodies, moving until they are comfortable.

 

Adam's fingers are playing with the button on the front of Kris's shirt and Kris's fingers are in Adam's hair. Every now and then Adam hums when Kris runs his fingers across Adam's scalp.

 

Adam looks up and stares at Kris's face for what feels like a long time. “I love you.”

 

It's the first time Adam actually said the words directly. Kris wants to respond that he knows, that he has always known but instead he looks down and keeps working his fingers through Adam's hair and responds back with the same three words.

 

\--

 

1 Year Later

 

Kris says that the banner isn’t big enough, and that it most definitely does not have enough glitter. There's a new guy working at the bar called Paul and he is for some reason put in charge of ordering said banner. The problem is that because of the short time he has been there he really doesn't know Adam all that well. If he did he would have known not to order the plain and boring banner. Kris can just picture Adam's face now.

 

Paul's hair is long and bright blue. “Shit. Can you tell him?”

 

“Tell him what? That this is the worst banner ever? He'll know that as soon as he sees this.”

 

“I can't afford to lose this job. If it comes from you I bet he won't take it so bad.”

 

“And why’s that?”

 

“You’re his boyfriend, you can offer sex as a distraction.”

 

“I really don't think we know each other well enough to have this kind of conversation, Paul.”

 

“Shit. I'm going to get fired aren't I?”

 

“Calm down. No one's going to get fired. Hopefully. I'll fix it. Maybe you should help Will with the lights.”

 

Paul nods and walks away looking extremely worried. Craig is with Jack and Tony who somehow got roped into helping as well, mostly because Adam had begged Kris which ended up with Kris begging them. It's good in this situation that Craig is here because he is surprisingly good at making ugly things look pretty, that's Craig's words not Kris's. When Kris throws the banner at Craig way he is all over it, demanding that Jack help him.

 

They finished rehearsals half an hour ago so it's just a matter of waiting now anyway, he might as well do something useful.

 

“I thought the banner arrived?” Adam asks, his voice even more panicked than it was ten minutes ago.

 

“It did, but we are having some last minute alterations, right Craig?” Kris calls to Craig, who just looks at them both and gives them the thumbs up.

 

“Why, what's wrong with it?”

 

“Nothing, it just needed a bit more sparkle. I know how you feel about sparkle or whatever...”

 

Adam smiles for the first time all day and Kris is happy to see that smile there. Adam should be enjoying this day not freaking out over every single minor detail. “There's a smile.”

 

Adam lets out a deep breath. “I'm just so happy that you're here. I would be freaking out if it wasn't for you.”

 

“This is you not freaking out?”

 

Adam laughs and Kris snuggles in close to him, Adam sighs happily and Kris lets himself forget that they are in the middle of all this madness. There are strings of lights waiting to put up all over the floor, the bar is covered in various other decorations, there are candles to be put out on the tables and free complimentary bags needed to be filled and put by the door but what Kris thinks Adam really needs is a moment to put things in perspective.

 

Kris kisses along Adam's neck and up his jaw searching for his lips, Adam isn't stupid though and he is well aware of what Adam is doing.“You, Kris Allen are trying to distract me.”

 

“Is it working?”

 

“Totally.” Adam leans down to kiss him, and it works because he does forget they are surrounded by other people. It takes Craig coughing to tear the two of them apart.

 

“As happy as I am that you two crazy kids finally worked it out, none of us want to see that.”

 

“Then don't look.” Kris quips and goes back to kissing Adam. Adam does pull back after a minute though, gesturing around to the bar and floor. Kris reluctantly lets him out of his grasp. “Hey, do some work.”

 

Kris laughs and then goes to sit with Craig, Tony and Jack. Tony has somehow managed to get sequins stuck to his face and Jack's hair is covered in glitter. When Kris questions him his response is “I wanted to see what it would look like.”

 

They all decide it's not really a look Jack can pull off. They talk while they work on the banner, discussing any minor changes to the songs for the show tonight, but eventually Jack and Tony get bored of glitter and want some food.

 

“You are welcome by the way.” Craig says throwing a sequin at him.

 

“What for?”

 

“You and Adam. I like to think I can take full credit for the two of you.”

 

“Oh really? How do you work that out”

 

“Think about it, if I hadn't yelled at you at work that day you would still be with Josh, with no band, no reason to see Adam every day. I'm the modern day version of cupid. I brought the two of you back together again.”

 

Kris nods. “Of course you did.”

 

“I'm thinking maybe a new career direction. Matchmaker/drummer/...”

 

“Banner decorator? I mean... look at this. You make beautiful work and you're so pretty.”

 

“Screw you, asshole.”

 

Kris laughs and looks around at the bar. Adam is talking to Will and waving his arms around in the air. Will looks like he has heard what Adam is saying a few times before. But it's a big deal for Adam he has owned the bar for 3 years and it's a good reason for a celebration.

 

When Will walks away Kris watches Adam sort through the decorations on the bar, his face concentrating on looking at each of them very closely. Adam's desire for everything to be exactly perfect is kind of adorable. It's not long when Adam realises Kris is staring and although he gets a look telling him to stop Kris thinks that secretly Adam doesn't mind.

 

He knows for a fact that he himself doesn't mind when Adam looks at him like he is now, in fact he can get used to Adam always looking at him like that.


End file.
